Andy: So Jan, tell my intended about the miracle of childbirth.
Jan: Well, actually, I, uh, I had a tub birth. And it was really, really quite amazing.
Angela: You gave birth in a tub?
Jan: Yeah, it's a really nice transition from womb to world, you know, kind of like a big womb.
Kelly: Um, so you're in the tub with everything?
Jan: Oh, yeah, the afterbirth floats, yeah.
Creed: Must be like the tide at Omaha Beach.
Jan: Oh no, it's actually really hygienic, Creed.
Creed: Ugh.
Stanley: I'm done.

Michael: Ladies and gentlemen, it is my privilege and honor to present for the first time in her life and in the office: Assst...
Jan: trid.
Michael: ...trid Levinson. Hi! Astrid, this is everybody, look. This is your family. You're going to know them for the rest of your life.
Jan: Well...
Michael: [looking at Creed] Well, he may not be here.

Kevin: Hi Jan.
Jan: Hi.
Kevin: How's the candle game?
Jan: Oh, great. Yeah, Serenity by Jan is kicking ass and taking names. You remember last week when that girl went missing? Guess whose candles they used for the vigil?
Kevin: Cool. Thank God they found her, too.
Jan: Oh, they found her?

Michael: Jan thinks Hunter is very talented. You know what? I don't think he's that good.
Jan: At least he's an artist.
Michael: BFD. I'm a screenwriter.
Jan: AND I'M A CANDLEMAKER BUT YOU DON'T HEAR ME BRAGGING ABOUT IT!
Michael: NO ALL YOU DO IS YOU GET ME TO TRY TO WORK ON MY RICH FRIENDS!
Jan: FOR AN INVESTMENT OPPORTUNITY!
Michael: MAN! I WOULD LOVE TO BURN YOUR CANDLES!
Jan: YOU BURN IT. YOU BUY IT!
Michael: OH GOOD. I'LL BE YOUR FIRST CUSTOMER!
Jan: AND YOU'RE HARDLY MY FIRST!
Michael: THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!

Jan: Don't tell me he's really changed since you guys dated.
Pam: Are you joking?
Jan: Well, Michael told me a little bit about it, but I see the way you look at him.
Pam: I have never, ever dated, or wanted to do anything resembling dating Michael, ever. Not ever, not now, not then, not now, not ever, ever.
Angela: I've noticed how you look at him at the office.
Jan: Mmm.

Jan: [checking the oven] Uh, not even close.
Angela: So you keep a very tidy house.
Jan: You should see our bathroom after Michael takes a bath, whew. But I don't have to tell you Pam.
Pam: No. Yeah. What?

Andy: [playing charades] No it's a... hump. There's a hump.
Jan: Joe Camel!
Andy: Okay yes, first name of that animal and the second name is the state where Helena is the capital.
Pam: Montana.
Jan: Oh!
Pam: Joe Montana!
Andy: Yes! Yes.
Pam: Why didn't you just say 49ers quarterback?

Andy: Tuna! What's up Tuna, we having tuna for dinner? [to Pam] I bet you're sick of tuna right? You probably have tuna every night. Tuna! [to Jan] These are for you. [hands her flowers]
Jan: Oh, how thoughtful.
Michael: Very nice.
Andy: Except for one flower, which is for... my flower.
Jan: Aw.
Angela: What am I supposed to do with this?

Jan: So this is the master bedroom, and these walls used to like white, like an asylum. So I wanted it to be softer, So I had it painted in eggshell white.
Michael: Guess what, white and eggshell white are exactly the same color.
Jan: [puts away video camera] Babe I thought you said you were going to tidy things up.
Michael: Well, I-
Jan: Shame on you.
Pam: What a cute bench.
Michael: Thanks, that's my bed. Jan has some space issues, so I curl up on that puppy.

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