Jeff: I took a bullet for ya.
Susie: Well it was a bike, technically.

Waiter: I am the waiter.
Larry: Yet we were the ones waiting, so we became the waiters.
Jeff: This man's a hero. He just revolutionized the way restaurants work my friend. No one's gonna go hungry again.

What do you mean you want a helicopter ride?

Jeff: You're shittin' where you eat.
Larry: That's right. I'm shitting where I eat.

You know what you are? You're a social assassin.

He has no balls. I have a solid single ball.

Everybody's getting a chance to get divorced except me.

Larry: Guy pulls up to me on a motorcycle. Guess who it turns out to be?
Jeff: Portia De Rossi.

What the fuck were you thinking!? A picture of Bush, who gives a flying fuck! I'd fuck her with a Bush mask on!

Larry: (on Antoinette) Her boyfriend broke up with her, and frankly, I'd like to do the same.
Jeff: Why don't you fire her?
Larry: I can't.
Jeff: Why not?
Larry: Because she knows everything about me. She knows my dietary habits. She knows all about my web of lies and bullshit and deceit.

Larry: How long do you think I'd want to do that for?
Jeff: I don't know? All night long, I would assume.
Larry: It gets boring, come on.
Jeff: Fucking's boring?!

Larry: I waved to a guy in a Prius and he didn't wave back.
Jeff: I don't wave to people in the same car as me.
Larry: We're Prius drivers; we're a special breed.

Curb Your Enthusiasm Quotes

Larry: I think I am just going to get a Cobb Salad. I'd like to make a few substitutions, if that's OK. I'll get... no bacon. No eggs. Bleu cheese on the side.
Cliff Cobb: Are you sure you want a Cobb Salad? Do you do that every time you order that salad?
Larry: Do you have a problem with it?
Cliff Cobb: It's my grandfather's salad. I'm a Cobb of Cobb salad fame.
Larry: I think that this is a real bullshit story

Wanda Sykes: Larry, you are an ass man!
Larry: I am not an ass man! I don't have an ass fetish! I am not obssessed with asses