Jess Mariano Quotes
Lorelai: What, did you get all dressed in black and pull a Mission Impossible? Jess: Actually, I came down the chimney and pulled a Santa Claus.
Lorelai: That bracelet is the most precious thing she owns. She never takes it off, and your stealing it was unbelievably cruel.
Jess: The most precious thing she owns?
Lorelai: Yes.
Jess: If it's the most precious thing she owns, why did it take her two weeks to notice it was gone? You might want to reevaluate how madly in love she is. I wouldn't start calling him son yet.
(Alarm clock goes off with the sound of ducks as the alarm sound) Lorelai: Hey, ducks! Rory: (at door, talking to Jess) We just got a new alarm clock. Jess: Bet I know what the lead story in the Stars Hollow Gazette's going to be tomorrow.
(Luke comes into his apartment and finds Jess' music blaring and Luke wakes him up)
Jess: What?
Luke: Tomorrow, you and me are finding a bigger place. I want you up and moussed and ready by ten o'clock because we are finding a bigger place to live. Got it?
Jess: Got it.
Luke: Good.
Jess: I gotta go.
Luke: We got three more places to look at.
Jess: I'm supposed to be at Lorelai's in twenty minutes.
Luke: Right.
Jess: I mean, if you want me to bail on her...
Luke: No, go. I'll take some Polaroids of the next few places-
Jess: Take a Polaroid, paint a still picture, do whatever you want.
Luke: Jess.
Jess: Look. No one asked me if I wanted to move to Star's Hollow, but I'm here. So, pick a place, and I'll be there too.
Luke: I'm having nightmares where I'm being chased by boxes with arms and they tackle me and throw clothes on top of me and secure it with masking tape and while I'm lying there, you're standing in the corner laughing putting gel in your hair!
Jess: Should I be putting a tongue depressor in your mouth right about now?
(Jess walks up behind them)
Jess: I gotta tell you, of all the nutty barn raising shindigs this town can cook up, this one wasn't half bad.
Dean: Glad you enjoyed it.
Jess: Yes I did. So shall we?
Dean: Shall we what?
Jess: Shall we go?
Dean: Go where?
Jess: Go eat.
Dean: Excuse me?
Jess: The person who buys the basket wins the company of the person who makes the basket for lunch. Basket, basket maker, guy who didn't bring enough money.
Dean: You think this is funny.
Jess: Well, it's no Lenny Bruce routine but it has its moments.
Dean: Rory, don't go.
Jess: Well, geez man. She's not shipping off to 'Nam.
Rory: Why are you only nice to me?
Jess: Excuse me?
Rory: An hour ago you were totally screwing with Dean and now you're totally nice to me.
Jess: You see, it's the screwing with Dean that's an important step to getting here so that I can be nice to you.
While having their picnic at the lake
Rory: Wow a place in Stars Hollows that you actually like!
Jess: Yeah I have some good memories of this place. See over there, that's where Luke pushed me in!
Paris: Hey, where'd he come from? What's up there? Is that where you keep the girls? You got yourself a little cat house up there?
Jess: Wow, I think she got you Uncle Luke. You better give up now.
Luke: Do not add to this insanity.
Jess: An innocent boy like me should not be raised in an atmosphere like this.
Luke: Jess!
Jess: I wanna be good, life's just not letting me.
Jess: Nice picture.
Rory: (sarcastically) Gee, thanks.
Jess: You're very popular right now. I bet if you burn a few books, they'll probably make you mayor.
Rory: This is ridiculous.
Jess: I don't know, bet you have a lot of supporters on this. Pat Buchanon, Jerry Falwell, Kathie Lee Gifford.
Rory: (annoyed) Bye.
Jess: Aw, come on, it's a little funny.
Rory: No, being the poster girl for censorship is not a little funny. The only videos not behind that curtain are Bambi and Dumbo. I mean, they actually had a meeting earlier about whether or not Babe should be behind the curtain so as not to offend people who keep kosher!
Jess: It's a crazy world we live in.
