Fresh Off the Boat
Fridays 8:30 PM on ABCjessica huang Quotes
Furniture store clerk: Good afternoon. Can I help you?
Jessica: Jessica Huang (shakes his hand). Seven years managing #1 furniture store unlimited in Washington DC
Clerk: Um, Ok, are you looking for anything in particular?
Yes, $18.50 an hour and I need afternoons off to help my boys with their school work, oh and on Thursdays I need off to do my mother-in-law's nails. We both hate it but there is nothing we can do about it now (cut to Grandma Huang and Jessica)
Jessica: Pretty color (dryly)
Grandma Huang: Very (equally dryly)
Clerk: Um, I think there's been some sort of mistake. We're not hiring.
Jessica: But you put this ad in the paper
Clerk: It's an ad for 25% off mattresses
Jessica: Exactly! 25% on the highest margin item in the store. You obviously need my help.
Eddie Huang: So a basketball man made a video game about karateing people?
Jessica Huang: Thank god, thank god. I knew you’d get it.
Jessica: $4.99?! I’ll give you $2
Store clerk: Popsicles are a set price, they’re not negotiable
Jessica: You’re good. I’ll give you $2.50
Jessica: At my family's furniture store, I handled employee grievances
Eddie: The employees were you and your sister
Jessica: That bitch
Honey: Uh, are we still going to the movies?
Jessica: Only if there's something with Denzel. Movie theaters are a hot bed for disease.
Honey: Crimson Tide is playing
Jessica: I'll start the car
Jessica: That's my Tiger Shirt! You stole it from my bag.
Connie (Jessica's sister): No I found it. 100% off!
Their mother: Good bargain!
Connie: Thanks mom (glowing with pride)
Emery: Why can't we stay on the couch
Jessica: Because then your aunt and uncle will know that we don't have enough bedrooms [sighs] and they must never know that.
I don't know what this wife's problem is. If my husband had a big house like Jack Nicholson, he could put an axe in any door he wants to. Why? Because we have 500 other doors and a maze.
Eddie: Hey girl, how you livin'
Honey: (responding in a baffled manner) I'm fine. Uh hi, I'm Honey.
Eddie: Yeah, you are
Jessica: Eddie stop acting weird.
Jessica: Eddie! That's very expensive. If you want to waste something, you waste water. Do not throw juice.
Eddie: Mom, get out of my fantasy!
Eddie: Jessica, water does not project success. Capri Sun does. As does Cattleman's Ranch Ribs. Great pork at a fair price. Come on flight girls. Try a rib tell a friend.
Jessica: This is not free! I'm going to charge you all!
Louis: Stop reading those books. Those stories give you nightmares.
Jessica: You know what gives me nightmares. Our bank account. Stephen King should publish my checkbook.
Emory: No, a rain cloud is good
Jessica: What are you, a farmer?
