Sundays 10:30 PM on HBO
Eastbound-and-down

From this moment on, you're no longer little kids. You're cold, calculated murderers. This is the mindset you gotta be in if you wanna be a champion.

Smashing a brick through a f*cking dude's window is nothing compared to the things I've done. I've killed people.

Some people say that Kenny Powers is a woman hater. That's not true - I love women. Every f*cking one of them, even the ugly as sh*t ones. But don't ask me to trust them. Not even nuns. Because every pair of t*ts comes with a gaping hole of need that even Kenny Powers can't fill.

I have been blessed with many things in this life - an arm like a damn rocket, a c*ck like a burmese python, and the mind of a f*cking scientist.

A stork wrapped around a tree branch. That's the stupidest thing I've ever seen before. You know that's how the plague started back in the day. It was from a little disgusting birdbath in someone's backyard that rats made sex to birds in it and created a whole new type of AIDS.

I'm trying so hard not to be an *sshole to you guys, Ok? I'm just disappointed with my own arm, and how its trying to buttf*ck me back here.

It seems to me an establishment such as this could go for an overhaul in the advertising spokesman game. I'm talking about a real celebrity, not some sign spinning f*cking monkey. I'm talking about goddamn me in the store, live, un-cut, in person, bringing in the customers, lubing the deals.

There's one image in my life that consistently makes me happy, no matter when I think about it, and that image, that one image is your big tits.

One time I was invited to come to a social gathering. I was paid a handsome amount of money, and I bought a shotgun and a bottle of Tanqueray and showed those people the best f*cking time they've ever seen.

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