Archer
Wednesdays 10:00 PM on FXMalory Quotes
(Malory is in her bedroom with Pam and a unconcious Carol/Cheryl is laying on her bed half naked)
Malory: (annoyed) Mind telling me what this is about?
Pam: (nervous) Right here's the thing see what happened Cyril....
Malory: (gestures to Carol) JESUS CHRIST DID HE KILL HER!?
Pam: (frantic) No, no! He ran from her, to go confess to Lana. But then this one starts going crazy and...long story short I had to drown her in the bathtub.
Malory: So you killed her!? (Carol suddenly coughs up water gasping)
Pam: Apparently not...
Malory: So you do want the assignment?
Archer: What? Yeah I want it.
Malory: You really, really, really want it?
Archer: Yes I want it.
Malory: Well too bad, becuase guess what?
(Lana is standing in the doorway with her briefcase.)
Lana: (mocking) Ha-HA!
Archer: (outraged) What! Why does she get the mission!?
Malory: Because I said so, either way we have a plan to catch.
(Getting up to leave with Lana.)
Archer: WE!? Why are you going?
Malory: I'm...umm...uhhhh...(thinking of excuse) going to a conference?
Archer: (annoyed) Oh well isn't that convenient!?
Lana: If you think that's convenient, wait till you see my new kitchen.
Malory: HA! Seriously thou, you should look thru some of her design catalogue's.
So you just listen to me, Mr Man. Get me some video footage of hot man on man action by tonight, or don't bother coming home!
Archer: Woah woah woah, I thought nobody else was supposed to know about this.
Malory: He won't remember.
Krieger: Yeah, no... I'm... I am shitfaced.
Archer: You know, when I was little I used to pretend you weren't my mother.
Malory: Me too.
Malory: Jesus, God, Sterling... School girls?!
Archer: Those are just costumes.
Malory: And I suppose that makes it better?
Archer: Doesn't it?
Malory: (to Sterling) Keep that tramp date of yours out of my Medicine-Cabnit! One more dead body in here and that Bitch Trudy Beekman will have me right back in front of the Co-op Board!
Sterling: (shakes head) You just can't get along with your neighbours anywhere can you?
Malory: Who can get along with a woman who wallpapers her guest bathroom with Vintage New Yorker covers?!
Malory: But they were blanks, weren't they?
Archer: Uhhh, only if the back of his skull picked that exact moment to explode outwards.
Malory: Well, what about the ground breaking work that Dr. Krieger is doing for ISIS in our Applied Research Division?
Pam: Yeah, tell him about the sex robot.
Malory: Yes, the.. what?
Krieger: I call him Fister Roboto.
Archer: You said no dates!
Malory: I said no such thing.
Archer: Well, your mouth did.
Malory: Well, your mouth better get over there and make Torvald happy.
Archer: Um, phrasing.
Archer: What is that smell?
Malory: Gravlax and failure. I think Lana just Broke Torvald's Hand.
Archer: Truckasaurus.
Conway: I've tracked him to South Beach where he's arranged to sell the plans to Cuban Naval Intelligence. If that happens, undetectable Cuban missile subs can be parked right off Miami beach.
Malory: Ugh. Just what Miami needs, more Cubans.
