Favorite Narrator Quotes
Tobias: Well, I am off to buy the perfect present. Maybe she'd like a suit like this.
Narrator: That is her suit.
Tobias: Eh, they probably don't make it in a women's, though.
Narrator: They only make it in a women's.
Lindsay: No, Michael, I don't just sleep all day.
Narrator: Actually, Lindsay was so upset at Michael that she tried meditating to calm herself but ended up taking a two-hour angry nap.
(Oscar pleading to Michael while in prison)
Oscar: I'm your uncle. I'm your dad's twin brother. I'm Oscar, he switched on me! No one believes me.
Narrator: Unfortunately, for Oscar, "You've got the wrong twin" was a popular alibi.
(Cut to Oscar being dragged into the police station handcuffed)
Man in Handcuffs: You simply got the wrong twin.
Arrested Twin #1: We're quadruplets, you got the wrong two!
Arrested Twin #2: We're Larry and Dave!
Arrested Twin #1: You want Curtis and Jack!
Kitty: Your wife's on line one.
Narrator: Michael's wife had been dead for two years.
Michael: My what?
Narrator: Kitty realized her mistake.
Kitty: I said, 'your wife is on line one.'
Narrator: But not immediately.
Narrator: If Steve had a father, he would have warned him not to go into the woods with strange men, but he didn't.
Steve Holt: Sure, let's go!
Gob: Well, I will tell you this, Michael. I don't have a son ...
Narrator: He does.
Gob: But if I ever do, I'm either gonna take him to the cabin in the woods. Or I'm gonna promise to take him and then not take him, but the one thing that I will never do is not tell him that I'm taking him to a cabin in the woods, and then not take him.
Narrator: Gob was growing up.
Michael: Don't I look kind of British?
British Clerk: Perhaps if you're willing to lose twenty pounds.
Narrator: The clerk was asking for a bribe, but this was lost on Michael.
Michael: You guys do go for the jugular.
As a child, Buster had a beloved parakeet who, after landing on their housekeeper Rosa's wig, flew away when she took out the trash ... and into a transformer. When Buster found out, he destroyed the family's kitchen -- believing this to be where Rosa lived.
Michael: Oh, no. What, Buster, for the first time ever, doesn't want to do this?
Lucille: No, no, he does. It's just he's been so mopey.
Michael: Well, that could have something to do with the fact that a seal ate his hand.
Lucille: I don't know what it is.
Michael: I think that's what it is.
Lucille: Who knows?
Narrator: It was that.
Marta: I was just looking for Gob.
Michael: Well, you're his girlfriend.
Narrator: Michael wished Marta was his girlfriend, a secret he had only shared with Lindsay.
Marta: Actually, we had a big fight. He thought I was belittling his career, but I never would do that.
Michael: Neither would I. What career?
Marta: The magic?
Michael: Oh, the tricks, the little tricks. Those are great.
Narrator: The family continued to chant "speech, speech, speech" for no one in particular.
(clapping ceases)
Michael: Gee, after all that, I was kinda hoping somebody would make a speech.
Buster: Speech! Speech! Speech! Speech!
Michael: I'll say something.
Gob: Typical.
Michael was filled with self-loathing. Had he been Jack the Ripper, he would have soothed himself in a most unsavory way. But instead, he just sat in his car and ate a whole thing of candy beans.
