Zack: Look, I know it doesn't look like it, but I'm doing all this because I care about you.
Billie: I know you do, but there has to be a universe where I get to be happy too. Please be happy with me.

Billie: What are you doing?
Zack: I'm looking out for you.
Billie: Well, stop it. I have been dating since... oh my God! Since you were in kindergarten.

Billie: Zack, this is Sully.
Zack: Hey dude!
Sully: Good to know ya'. [points to Billie's belly] I'm a big fan of your work.

Zack: Best friends are like Supreme Court appointments. You can't lose that job until you retire or die.
Davis: Sweet, man. A job you can't get fired from. That is tailor-made for moi

Billie: Why isn't the toilet where the hole is?
Zack: I don't want to get into complicated plumbing terms right now, but it turns out, I do not know how to install a toilet.
Billie: Well-- this is just it! I mean, there are boundaries! And not peeing on me is one of them, I think!

I thought you were asleep in your bed. The pillows were arranged in a very Billie-like way, and I thought they were breathing. I swear the pillows were breathing!

Zack [carrying a toilet upstairs]: This thing was way cheap on Craigslist.
Davis: This is a used toilet?!

Zack [about his ribs Billie stole]: They were only boiled. I hadn't even barbecued them yet.
Billie: Oh, I dipped them in some maple syrup and they were fantastic!

Zack: Uh, Sasha, look, how do I put this? Some foods just don't go together: pickles and melon, whip cream and eggplant or...
Sasha: Radishes and yogurt. Oh God! I've heard this exact speech so many times. You're breaking up with me

Davis [about Billie]: I thought the two of you were cool with dating other people?
Zack: Yeah, but who's going to date her? She's got stuff popping out all over the place. You know, and I want to be a good guy about this, so I'm just going to do it behind her back.
Davis: You're a class act, Zack

Billie, don't worry about it. You are beautiful, and you're funny. And you've got a cool job. Awesome TV. Insurance. Any guy would be lucky to have you

Billie: What are you doing?
Zack: I'm having a date.
Billie: Dates happen outside the home.
Zack: When you have money

Accidentally on Purpose Quotes

There's all kinds of weird fetishes, like people are into weird costumes or... feet or... monogamy.

James

Were you using my grandmother's urn as a water pipe?

Billie