In my defense, I didn't know that Cathy Geiss was going to finish her song by taking off her underpants.


Black people, I know I've said a lot of terrible things about you in print, but I come here today on a mission of peace.


Jack: I say we hire the one who lives by the code of the robot: Care. Love. Live.

[on conference call] You think I didn't hear that? I can hear your hair growing on that thing.


I'm not a drug addict, I'm an executive with the General Electric corporation.


That's what I'm talking about, empathy. It's about as useless as the Winter Olympics ... This February on NBC.


I'm already not liking some of these people. It reminds me of being on the bus.


I don't have bed bugs, Kenneth. I went to Princeton.


For my first character, I'd like to do a janitor who has finally had enough and stabs everyone.

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