Archer
Wednesdays 10:00 PM on FXArcher Quotes
Trinet: You can't tattoo a baby!
Archer: That's what the tattoo guy said. I had to slip him an extra hundred bucks!
Archer: I wanted to spend some time with the Wee Baby Seamus.
Trinet: He's not even your real kid.
Archer: So?
Trinet: So it's weird.
Archer: So is me paying you child support, Trinet, but you keep cashing the checks.
Trinet: Hey!
Archer: I'm sorry. Come on Trinet, Seamus may not be my real son. But he's probably the closest I'm ever gonna get.
Trinet: Where are you taking him?
Archer: I dunno, what's he into?
Rita: Well if it isn't Chet Manley.
Archer: And it's I want to say.. Peggy?
Rita: Rita. And you said you'd call me.
Archer: Really? To both statements...?
Doctor: Any history of alcoholism?
Archer [drinking]: You know, I drink socially.
Malory [also drinking]: Hah! What? I didn't have breakfast...
Krieger: My entire laboratory is at your disposal.
Malory: thanks I'll let you know if I need a hybrid pig-boy.
Malory: Especially Sterling. If he found out i might have breast cancer, he'd be devastated. This information cannot leave this... Pam what the hell?
Pam: What? Nothing.
Malory: You're texting about my...
Pam: I'm not I swear, this is about...
Cheryl: Breast caner! Oh, you poor thing.
Malory: Pam!
Pam: what?
Malory: What is wrong with you?
Pam: I can't help it. It's like a disease.
Malory: Pam!
Pam: Do you not know what disease means? Oh sorry I forgot you might have...
Cyril: Breast cancer!
Malory: I had a mammogram on Friday and they found something.
Pam: So is that why you're being such a bitch?
Cheryl: Do anything fun this weekend? Because I sure did. Friday night was cornhole league and then on Saturday...
Malory: If I cared what you do on the weekend I'd stick a shotgun in my mouth and pull the trigger with my toes.
Cheryl: Saturday I watched a building burn down.
Lana: Oh My... You're getting off on this!
Archer: And?
Cheryl: You're not my supervisor!
Pam: Shut up! We're going to go to prison.
Cheryl: No, we're not. Say the right stuff and they just send you to a mental hospital for ten months.
Gilette: I just this second realize why you do macrame instead of knitting.
Cheryl: Yeah, no sharp weapons on the ward. They were really strict about that.
Archer: I would have qualified... if I made it to the thing.
Lana: If your aunt has balls, she'd be your uncle.
Here's a sniper out there whose bullet could spark World War III and you idiots are tying up ISIS resources on high school bullshit? Cause I don't really see a downside to that Archer-wise. So load up. There should be a big box of grenades around here somewhere.
