Amy: So, you think we can laugh about me poisining you?
Capt. Holt: Yes, I do. Someday. Perhaps over street meat. (chuckles)
Amy: Sir, did you just laugh?
Capt. Holt: Uproariously.
Amy: Oh my God! It's happening!

Rosa: You're back so soon. Did you catch your guy?
Capt. Holt: No. He was dead, so I'll never catch him. Oh, Amy bought us tainted meat and now I have diarrhea.

Amy: So, who was your partner back when you caught the Brooklyn Broiler?
Capt. Holt: Mark Ormancup. He was a great partner-smart, loyal, homophobic, but not racist. In those days, that was pretty good.

Sgt. Terry: It's nice to have someone to share this secret with. I'm pregnant man!
Jake: We're pregnant, we because I convinced you not to have a vasectomy. So, if it wasn't for me, you'd have no penis.
Sgt. Terry: You still don't know what a vasectomy is.

Jake: (in a faux British accent) Any smile longer than a second and a half is a conman's ruse.
Capt. Holt: I said it and I meant it!

Jake: I've never seen Capt. Holt that upset before. He's like a sad block of granite.
Boyle: How do you cheer up granite?

Separate parties. Separate but equal. Forget I said that phrase!


Say boo again and I will shoot you in the stomach.


Gina: Just to clarify, how untethered is Vacation Terry from his wife?
Terry: Very tethered.

Charles: Are we friends again?
Jake: No...we're brothers.
Charles: That was terrifying, don't pause like that!

If you hadn't stopped the elevator you could have walked off after your great speech. Now we all gotta sit in it.


The Drop House. Perfect name for a port-a-potty company. As soon as we get out of here I'm taking that straight to Shark Tank.