Jake: You're gonna be a great dad, with or without your -
Charles: Boyle Oil?
Jake: Nope, not saying it.

Jake: That looks like my dad. That is my dad! You cannot use his sperm! You cannot use his sperm!
Charles: My son would be your brother!

He asked for Gina, let's give the people what they want.

Gina

Jake: We're not going to let anything happen to your...
Charles: Boyle Oil?

Maybe I should have offered free streudel. Maybe then Scully would have come.

Terry

Terry: I do not want a repeat of last year when Scully called me fifty times on Christmas morning.
Scully: No, I called you once, my butt called the other forty-nine.

Charles: How are we going to get past them without a gun fight?
Jake: I'll tell you how John McClane would do it, the vents.
Charles: Blast the A/C, they get chilly, they leave to find sweaters.
Jake: No, we're going to climb through them.
Charles: Even better, classic use of vents.

We don't need guns. I have a lighter, okay, we get some hairspray, make some flame throwers. Let's fry these bitches.

Gina

Amy: You guys are doing a polar swim, why didn't you ask me?
Captain Holt: We didn't think you'd be interested.
Rosa: You're always cold, you brought a blanket to a Mets game in mid-July.

Jake: There's more? Charles, this is too much.
Charles: Nonsense, it was just a lot of time and a lot of money.

Terry: IT says the internet is down.
Gina: What?! Nooooooooo! I just clicked a link that said "Balloon Boy grew up hot." Now I will never see those pictures!
Rosa: Can't you just use the internet on your phone?
Gina: Bitch you know I'm out of data!

Terry: Also keep Captain Holt away from her.
Jake: Really? Why?
Terry: He's always weird around her and it stresses her out. She says he reminds her of those judgemental trees from Lord of The Rings.
Jake: (scoffs) They're called Ents, get a life, dweeb.

Brooklyn Nine-Nine Quotes

Holt: Do you see me as a father figure?
Jake: No! If anything I see you as a "bother" figure cause you're always bothering me.

Amy: Rule number one, let's not tell anyone so we can figure out what this is first.
Jake: Smart. Rule number two, let's not put labels on it. We're not boyfriend and girlfriend, we're just...murmzeep and jinglebin.
Amy: Great. Rule number three, let's not have sex right away.
Jake: (pause) Cool. Cool cool cool cool cool cool cool, no doubt no doubt no doubt no doubt. Good rule, no sex, good rule.