Casey: Permission to drop the twerp into a deep, dark hole, General?
Beckman: Granted.
Casey: Hunh?

I can't...tell you how many times I defiled myself at work. Emmett cured me of that. Now I only violate myself at home or in the car. But never in the Nerd Herder.

Jeff

Sarah: I'm, uh, Chuck's cousin Sarah, and this is my boyfriend, John. (She indicates Casey)
Wally: Talk about beauty and the beast, hunh, you must be loaded!

Chuck: You can't shoot us because the whole family will hear it.
Bernie: Right. I can't. (He picks up a baseball bat) But I can beat you to death.
Chuck: I was really hoping for a third option that did not include death.

Casey: Chuck's dad. Where is he?
Jill: I don't know...exactly. But I do know someone who might know where they're holding him.
Sarah: Who?
Jill: My Uncle Bernie.
Casey: That better not be a joke because I don't have a sense of humor.

Lester: I mean, people, do you have any idea what working with fried food would do to my complexion?
Jeff: I can't leave the Buy More. I won't survive in the real world. I'm institutionalized.

Chuck: Most girls only get four Cs with the ring, but my Jill she got five: Cut, Color, Clarity, Carat and Chuck!

Sarah: You're 100% sure you want to go through with this?
Chuck: More like 45, maybe...maybe 30.

Casey: What do you call your move, anyway?
Chuck: What move?
Casey: The girlie pose I saw you in. What do you call that?
Chuck: The Morgan.
Sarah: The Morgan?
Chuck: He invented it in high school when girls were beating him up. You kind of duck a little bit, protect the important...you know, your face and... (Gestures at groin)

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