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Jeff: You did seem less into integrity the day that I convinced 12 of your peers that the day you made a U-turn on the freeway and tried to order chalupas from the emergency call box, that your only real crime was loving America.
Professor Duncan: Well, I do love America. I love it very much. I love chalupas.

I thought you were like Bill Murray in any of his films, but you're more like Michael Douglas in any of his films.

Abed

We're the only species on Earth that observes Shark Week.

Jeff

Jeff: I'm actually a Spanish tutor.
Britta: Can you say that in Spanish now?

Pierce: My name is Pierce Hawthorne, and yes, that's Hawthorne as in "Hawthorne Wipes," the award-winning most towelette.
Jeff: I was just gonna ask.

Sorry, I was raised on TV. I was conditioned to believe that every black woman over 50 is a mentor of some kind.

Jeff

Sexually harassing? That makes no sense to me. Why would I harass someone that turns me on?

Pierce

There's a guy trying out for the track team that is older than the game of poker.

Jeff

I did a little bit of lying to get close to you. I mean, you look like Elisbaeth Shue.

Jeff
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