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Lynette: Bree Van De Kamp and I have known each other a long time. I trust her completely. She's a wonderful friend and a fantastic mother. She puts the rest of us to shame.
Andrew: She's lying! Are you gonna let her get away with this crap?!

Libby: Oh come on Frank, you know you'll be a lousy father!
Frank: It's my kid! And I have the right to mess her up If I want to!

Peter: I have this rule - plant, pet, person. If I can keep a plant alive, then I can move on to a pet, and if I can make that work, then I can start dating again.
Bree: (laughs)So how are you doing?
Peter: I'm on my fourth ficus.

Gabrielle: Oh! We missed it!
Libby: The kid slipped right out...
Nurse: Are you family?
Libby: They're the parents.

Donna: Now come on!
Bree: Come on?! Where are we going?!
Donna: Hiking! There is nothing like it to take your mind off booze!

Gabrielle: So you think Bree punched Andrew in the face 'cause I don't!
Lynette: I don't either, but on the other hand, she spanked my kids, she lied about her drinking, and I once saw her bitchslap her mother-in-law. So I'm torn.
Gabrielle: Well I'm siding with Bree.

(to Susan) Whatever - I'm doing it, so keep your trap shut!

Edie

(stripper comes over to Carlos and Gabrielle's table)
Stripper: (to Carlos) Hi... You want a lap dance?
Carlos: Uh... (long pause, looks at Gabrielle, who is glaring at him) No... thanks...

Bree: Peter. Hi, it's Bree.
Peter: Hey, Bree. You know, um, if you feel like you're gonna need a drink, you should call Donna.
Bree: No! No, I, I don't feel like I'm gonna drink. And if I did, I certainly would call Donna. I mean, she and I are just, we're just really clicking.
Peter: Oh, that's good. So why are you calling?
Bree: I know it's really late notice, but a friend of mine, uh, got engaged and she's throwing a party, and I thought, um, maybe you'd like to come.
Peter: Bree...
Bree: Well, you're not my sponsor anymore, so I assume this is allowable. I mean, it's just a casual get-together. And they're having sushi. You do like sushi, don't you?
Peter: Bree...
Bree: Okay, Peter, I just really need us to be friends. When I'm with you, I'm not myself, which is a good thing. I can, I can relax when I'm with you in a way that I can't when I'm with other people. With them, I have to pretend that I have it all together but, you know that I don't, so it's just so much easier. Come on, it's just a, it's just a dumb old party.
Peter: Bree, do not call me again.

Gabrielle: He's going to light himself on fire with coffee liqueur?!
Carlos: Would not have been my choice.

(Susan and Karl walk in to find Edie standing beside Dr. Ron in the living room)
Susan: Well, I should go...
Edie: I'm not going to scream, or cry, or pound your faces in with a mallet, which, Lord knows, is my right. But what I will say is that you two are the most reprehensible excuses for human beings that I have ever met! (turns to Dr. Ron) Do you have anything to add?
(Dr. Ron pauses, then removes the flowers from the vase on the table, and hands the vase to Edie)
Edie: Right! What the hell... (throws the vase at Karl and Susan, who duck and run)

Carlos: He's not going to sell his baby for $8000!
Gabrielle: Are we talking about the same idiot?! I think for $30,000 you throw in a kidney!

Displaying quotes 1 - 12 of 30 in total

Desperate Housewives Season 2 Episode 18 Quotes

Susan: (opens the door to Karl and Edie) Hi! What's going on?
Edie walks in, past Susan, without saying a word
Karl: Edie wants to discuss our littledeception.
Susan: Exactly how ugly is this gonna get?
Edie: (shouts from the other room) How long does it take to shut a door?!

Karl: And of course, I'll have to tell her you're the one who ruined the surprise.
Susan: You're gonna make me take the hit?
Karl: Yeah...