Desperate Housewives

Desperate Housewives "Next" Quotes

Andrew (about Phyllis): I know she's probably a bitch, but she's family; that makes her our bitch.
 • Rating: Unrated

Gabrielle (to nurse): I don't need to take a test. I'm just trying to reassure my husband of what I know is true in my heart. So if you could just slip me someone else's results, I can make my own. I got photoshop for Christmas.
 • Rating: Unrated

Bree: You are no longer invited to the funeral.
Phyllis: What?
Reverend Sikes: You're not serious.
Bree: Oh, yes, I am. I am going to hire security. And those security men are going to have sticks and if you so much as set foot in that sanctuary, they will be instructed to beat you with those sticks.
Reverend Sikes: Bree, this is your grief talking.
Bree: Reverend, if you don't back me up on this, so help me, I will pull the funeral out of your church!
Reverend Sikes: Bree!
Bree: I am not kidding. I will go non-denominational so fast, it will make your head spin!
 • Rating: Unrated

Carlos: You knew the one thing that I demanded was fidelity, and you still went out and screwed around behind my back.
Gabrielle: You knew the one thing I didn't want was a child, and you still tricked me into getting pregnant!
Carlos: It's not the same thing.
Gabrielle: Damn straight, what you did was worse!
 • Rating: Unrated

Phyllis: (talking about Rex) I even kept the dirty magazine that he hid under his mattress. He didn't think I knew about it, but I did.
Andrew: Well, looks like dad was into big breasts.
Phyllis: Oh, yes. That's why I was surprised when he married your mother.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Mary Alice: It was an accepted fact among the residents of Wisteria Lane that Ida Greenberg liked her liquor. People had seen her drunk at sewing bees, The Department of Motor Vehicles, and the first Methodist church. Ida had tried to quit drinking many times, but she couldn't. Then one night in a moment of despair, she challenged God to quench her never-ending thirst. Luckily for Ida, God was listening.
 • Rating: Unrated

Mary Alice: It was at that moment it occurred to Ida, God may work in mysterious ways, but he isn't particularly subtle.
 • Rating: Unrated

Bree: Lynette, hi, it's Bree. I do hope I'm not calling too early. Hmm? Oh, of course you can borrow that scarf. I'll press it for you. Um, I have, uh, some news. Rex died.
 • Rating: Unrated

Mary Alice: It had been one year since my suicide and a lot had changed on Wisteria Lane. There were new flowers, new houses and new neighbors, the kind anyone would want living right next door.
 • Rating: 1.0 / 5.0

Gabrielle: No, okay. That was a stretch. I'm sorry. Carlos, wait! Come back. Look, I wanna start over. We're gonna have a baby. Isn't that what you always wanted? Carlos, wait! I said I was sorry and I love you! What more do you want?"
Carlos: I want a paternity test.
 • Rating: Unrated

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