Bree: For the record, I did not punch my son I slapped him with an open palm.
Andrew: Yeah, but Mom, the thing is... When you drink, you don't know your own strength.
Bree: This is ridiculous! Can't you see this is a performance?!

Tom: You're saying that our clients deserve more effort than your own family?
Lynette: OK! So if I apologize for upsetting you at work can we get past it and enjoy our meal?
Tom: Absolutely.
Lynette: I'm sorry... I'm sorry... I am sorry.
Tom: Thanks.
Lynette: So boys, how do you enjoy the meal?
Preston: It's a little salty...
Lynette: Just eat it!

Dr. Cunningham: (with his right arm in a cast at a 120 degree angle to his body) Susan, good to see you again! I'm really looking forward to your surgery!
Susan: And I'm really hoping you're a lefty!
Dr. Cunningham: Nope, can't even write my name.

Carlos: Helen! You work here!
Roda (adoption lady): You all know each other? What a small world!
Helen It sure is. Mrs. Solis hired my son to do her yard work, and also she would rape him.

Bree: Are you a friend of Andrew's?
Sam: I'm his lawyer.
Bree: His lawyer? Why on earth would Andrew need a lawyer?
Andrew: (gives Sam a glass of water) Here you go Sam.
Bree: Huh! Honey what happened to your face?!
Andrew: You hit me... Don't you remember?

Tom: What was that?!
Lynette: What was what?
Tom: You were bracing! You were bracing with your leg! I was trying to lay on top of you and you were bracing yourself against the mattress so you don't have to get on your back!

Susan: I think I have to break up with Dr. Ron.
Lynette: What?! Why?!
Susan: Because he's a gem, and apparently he loves me.
Lynette: I'm sorry, I'm not following.

Carlos: Gaby, these pictures have to be wholesome. They gotta say, "These people will do a great job raising a child."
Gabrielle: So?
Carlos: So you're topless!
Gabrielle: Yeah, but it's St. Bart's, and your hands are covering my naughty bits.
Carlos: You mean the hand that's holding the tequila shot, or the hand that's holding the Cuban cigar?
Gabrielle: Yeah, that was a great trip.

Karl: (Reading Dr. Ron's card) I can't wait to be in the operating room with you so I can touch your heart because you already touched mine so deeply!
Susan: Okay, that part sounds better when you don't read it out loud.

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