Chandler: Joey's tailor... took advantage of me.
Ross: What?
Joey: No way, I've been going to the guy for twelve years.
Chandler: Oh come on, he said he was going to do my inseem, then he ran his hand up my leg and then there was definite...
Ross: What? (Chandler closes his eyes)
Chandler: Cupping.
Joey: That's how they do pants! First they go up one side, they move it over, then they go up the other side then they move it back, and then they do the rear. Ross, will you tell him. Isn't that how a tailor measures pants?
Ross: Yes, yes it is... in prison!

No. I can't. You're a totally different person to me now. I used to think of you as somebody that would never, ever hurt me. Ever. God, and now I can't stop picturing you with her. I can't. It doesn't matter what you say or what you do, Ross. It's just changed everything. Forever.

Rachel

Monica: What's "PLEH?"
Joey: That's help spelled backwards so that the helicopters can read it from the air!
Monica: Ah...what's doofus spelled backwards?

Phoebe: Okay, Joey, your bet.
Joey: I fold like a cheap hooker who got hit in the stomach by a fat guy with sores on his face. (The girls look at him, confused.) Oh, I'm out.

Joey: If the homo sapiens were in fact homo sapiens...is that why they're extinct?
Ross: Joey, homo sapiens are people!
Joey: Hey, I'm not judging!

(Joey is watching "Wheel of Fortune", the letters read _OUNT RUSH _ORE)
Joey: This guy is so stupid. It's Count Rushmore.
Chandler: You know you should really go on this show.
(Later in this scene)
Chandler: Oh, and by the way, there is no Count Rushmore.
Joey: Yeah? Then who's the guy who painted the faces on the mountain?

Monica: Hey, Joey! What would you do if you were omnipotent?
Joey: Probably kill myself.
Monica: Excuse me?
Joey: Hey, if Little Joey's dead, I got no reason to live.
Ross: Uh Joey... omnipotent.
Joey: You are? I'm so sorry. (To Chandler) I didn't know, I thought it was one of those theoretical questions.

(Dramatically) It's madness, madness, I tell you! For the love of God, Monica, don't do it! (In her normal voice) Thank you.

Phoebe

Chandler: Take off their hats!
Phoebe: Popes into a Volkswagen! (Chandler nods) Oh, I love that joke!

Chandler: Stick a fork in me, I'm done.
Phoebe: Stick a fork what?
Chandler: You know, like when you're cooking a steak.
Phoebe: Oh, I don't eat meat.
Chandler: Well how do you tell when vegetables are done?
Phoebe: Well you just, you know, you eat them and you can tell.
Chandler: Okay, then eat me, I'm done.

Joey: (About Chandler's third nipple) I can't believe you. You told me it was a nubbin.
Ross: Joey, what did you think a nubbin was?
Joey: I don't know. You see something, you hear a word, I thought that's what it was. Let me see it again.

Chandler: Just had me a little nubbinectomy. Yep! Two nipples, no waiting.
Monica: Wow. Just like Rachel in High School.
Rachel: What?
Monica: Come on! Come on, I was kidding! It was such an obvious joke!
Chandler: That was an obvious joke; and I didn't think of it. Why didn't I think of it? The source of all my powers! Oh dear God, what have I done!

Friends Quotes

Kate: That infomercial! For the milk carton spout thing! You're the guy who doesn't know how to pour milk!
Joey: I actually can pour milk. But I got you believing that I couldn't. See, that's acting.
Kate: Right at the end, you choked on a cookie.
Joey: Yeah, that was real.

Oh! I see. And I've sort of been maintaining my amateur status so that I can waitress in the Olympics.

Rachel