Wilson: Your biological father is a minister?
House: Natural selection is not an infallible force.

If you're gonna be this way, I'm not gonna invite you to my baptism.

House

Read chapter 6. Entitled "Shut the Hell Up."

House

Giving House a computer is like giving plutonium to Dr. No.

Wilson

Sometimes it's easier to open up to people who aren't looking at you.

Patient

Please don't define my entire gender based on one night.

Thirteen

House: I can't find my pornos.
Wilson: Have you tried offering a reward?

You have some natural talent as a liar. But not enough brains to see it through.

House [to a speed dater]

House: I find out what's wrong with people and I fix it.
Speed dater? Don't all doctors do that?
House: Yeah. But they can't dance like I can!

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