Mondays 8:00 PM on CBS
How-i-met-your-mother

Robin: My friend just got dumped, so tonight all men are "the Enemy".
Ted: If it would make your friend feel better, you can throw a drink in my face.
Robin: She would love that!

Ted: That was not the signal!
Older Ted: I asked her about it years later, and, yes, that was the signal

Son, a piece of advice, never use the words "smurf penis" on a first date

Older Ted

Ted: Look, this woman could actually be my future wife. I want our first kiss to be amazing.
Lily: Aw Ted, that is so sweet. So you chickened out like a little bitch?

Barney [playing laser tag, on phone with Ted]: Hey, loser. How's not playing laser tag? Because playing laser tag is awesome! [kid fires at Barney as he runs by] Oh, I killed you, Conner! Don't make me get your mom!
Ted: Hey, listen, I need your help on something.
Barney: Okay, meet me at the bar in 15 minutes. And suit up!

Narrator Ted: It was like something from an old movie, where the sailor sees the girl across the crowded dance floor, turns to his buddy and says, "See that girl? I'm gonna marry her someday."
Ted: Hey Barney, see that girl?
Barney: Oh yeeeahh, you just know she likes it dirty. Go say hi.

Taxi driver: Woah woah woah. Did you hit her?
Lily: [laughs] Hit me? Please! This guy can barely spank me in bed for fun. He's all like "Oh, honey, did that hurt?" and I'm all like, "C'mon, let me have it, ya pansy!" [aside, softer] Wow. Complete Stranger.

Ted: I've been there for all the big moments of you and Lily: the night you met, your first date, other first things...
Marshall: Huh-uh-uh, yeah, sorry, we thought you were asleep.
Ted: It's physics Marshall, if the bottom bunk moves the top bunk moves too

Ted: Hey.
Barney: Dude.. where's your suit? Just once, when I say "suit up" I wish you'd put on a suit.
Ted: I did, that one time.
Barney: It was a blazer

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