It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Wednesdays 10:00 PM on FXIt's Always Sunny in Philadelphia Quotes
Ari Frankel: Your wife says she's afraid of you. I'm here for the dog.
Frank: Oh. That woman is amazing! She is amazing! You just met her; she's already got you running errands for her. She's good. She is good!
Ari Frankel: Just go get the dog.
Frank: I don't have the dog.
Ari Frankel: So you've been in here tearing apart pillows and... pooping... on the floor?
Frank: ....Yes.
Frank: Well, I figured, you know, cut out the middleman. This way, everybody wins.
Charlie: I don't win.
Dennis, your mother is a dirty, dirty whore.
Frank
Mac: Well, that was awkward.
Charlie: Yes, it was.
Mac: Sort of a private conversation.
Charlie: Very much a family type moment.
Mac: We didn't need to hear any of that.
Charlie: Mm-hmm, not for our ears.
Mac: (After a pause) Wanna go to the strip club
Mac: Well, I feel awful.
Dennis: Well that's what happens when you meet an actual crippled person, you know, it just brings you down.
Charlie [in a wheelchair and army vet attire]: This costume, the chicks is gonna go crazy all over it.
Frank: Maybe you should let me do all the talking.
Charlie: No, it's like shooting fish in a barrel. So watch and learn.
Stripper: Awww, look at you sweetie, what happened?
Charlie: Viet-goddamn-nam, that's what happened! Go get me a beer, bitch!
Dennis: Dee, you scared the shit out of me. What are you doing?
Sweet Dee: Same thing you're doing. I'm not letting dad give all this shit to poor people.
Dennis: Alright, hey I got here first though. I'm taking the plasma TV and I'm taking the fish tank.
Sweet Dee: How come you get to pick and choose?
Dennis: It's not that I get to pick and choose, it's that I'm a man and I'm strong. I can carry heavy things. You're a woman, you're weak and... you can't.
Sweet Dee: You're a woman and you're weak.
Dennis: That doesn't make any sense.
Sweet Dee: You don't make any sense
Three-quarters of a major is a lot bigger than a whole minor.
Dee
Mac: If the McPoyles got blown, and Charlie got blown, then why didn't I get blown?
Dennis: You're goin' to hell, dude.
Dee: Seriously.
Ryan: We can always split it 50/50/50.
Liam: Do you even hear what you're saying?
Charlie: Where's your brother dude?
Liam: We just stepped out of the shower. He'll be down in a minute.
Charlie: Alright li--listen, you guys can't go... did you just say we?
Liam: What?
Charlie: Did you just say we just stepped out of the shower?
Liam: I said "he."
Dennis: So, you're not going to get in any trouble at all?
Charlie: Uh, no, no, not really. And since the McPoyles are going to plead guilty I'm sort of off the hook completely.
Dennis: That's great!
Dee: Oh, I'm sorry, was he saying that the intervention worked?
Dennis: No, I don't think that's what he's saying.
Dee: What are you talking about? It was the final push Charlie needed. Turns out: Three-quarters of a major, not so bad after all.
Charlie: Oh, and the best part of it actually for me now is the fact that everybody thinks that I've been molested. So in a way, my life is ruined. Uh, in the meantime, I'm gonna go in the back office and cry, and cry, and cry, and drink for a while.
Dennis: Emotional release, another giant step forward.
Dee: God, we're good. Doctor.
Dennis: Doctor.
