Wednesdays 9:00 PM on ABC

I was wrong, every kid wants a clown for a dad.


Every time he opens his mouth I can feel my daughters losing respect for me.


Mitchell: Well, if the shoe fits...
Cam: They don't, they're comically large.

It's ten feet long with boxer shorts on the end, it works on so many levels.


Haley: Dad, gross, your hand smells like cheese.
Phil: I didn't want to dirty a knife.

All those joke emails she forwarded to me months after I'd seen them? Well, no more polite LOLs for YOU, Dede.


Manny: Baby Bear's a girl? We have to do it over! I would have played it totally different.
Jay: You nailed it.

The truth is, Luke, I am rich, but not with money. I got my abs. I got my hair.


Mitchell: I guess you don't respect party themes.
Cam: You did NOT just say that.

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