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I called the florist and order one dozen Mylar balloons. Good luck staying mad, honey!


I think we should drag him out of his car and punch him in the stomach until he barfs.


You are living in a little girl's toy and you have to move out!

Cam [to Barry]

I once saw a picture of myself at a friend's poetry slam, and all you could see were the whites of my eyes.


Oh yeah, everybody loves Michael Jordan, but nobody thinks of Scottie Pippin. The only reason I remember him is because he's named after my favorite musical.


There's no reason you should stay upright, but it just works.

Jay [to Gloria]

Two thirds of my house can't do what a billion Chinese do.

Jay [on Gloria and Manny's lack of bike-riding skills]

Stephen Hawking could ride that bike.


Luke, I am your father. That's what I said to you when you were coming out of your mom's lady parts.

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