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One time my dad was struck by lightning. That's why he can drink as much as he wants


90 percent of being a dad is just showing up


Am I attracted to her? Yes. Would I ever act on it? No, no way. Not while my wife is still alive

Phil [about Desiree]

You had to clip my wings which you used to be the wind beneath

Cameron [to Mitchell about not letting him act himself in class]

Mitchell: my name is Mitchell and I'm a lawyer
Cameron [trying to sound straight]: My name is Cameron and I am currently not working, which gives me more time to grill and shoot baskets

The only way his dad is like superman is that he landed in this country illegally

Jay [about Manny's father]

Manny [about his father]: He's not afraid of anything, he doesn't wear a seat belt when he drives. He killed a bear once
Jay: Oh yeah? Was the bear in the passenger seat?

Gloria [about Manny]: It's good, he keeps us grounded
Jay: Like a fog at a airport

I'll put on a polo and a pair of khakis and maybe people will think we're just a couple of golf buddies who decided to have a kid together

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