You can't outrun the Jewish!

Schmidt

My face touched the mustache of a corpse today, Bobby. I'm not afraid of you.

Schmidt

Maybe none of us should go to this funeral. The early buzz on this thing is it's gonna be a real drag.

Schmidt

Don't laugh when they call him "responsible," they don't know why it's hilarious.

Schmidt

There are plenty of things to be down about--the deficit, air pollution in China, "The Hobbit" wasn't very good...

Schmidt

Schmidt: Does it say "share stuff" in the Constitution of America? No, it does not. Nicholas, what does it say?
Nick: Don't share stuff.

Jess: Where are your nipples, man?
Schmidt: I'll never tell!

New Girl Quotes

I'm not convinced I know how to read, I've just memorized a lot of words.

Nick

Jess: I have to go out tonight, 'cause I'm feeling pretty twirly.
Schmidt: Twirly? Is that like horny?
Jess: I've got the dirty twirlies, Schmitdy!"