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New-girl

I'm going on a date with Elizabeth tonight. I haven't had sex with her since I was fat and accessing my penis was like getting a remote control out of the couch.

Schmidt

I can do anything I put my mind to. I once figured out Alyssa Milano's phone number just by randomly choosing numbers.

Schmidt

Shivrang's Aunt: Who is this?
Schmidt: I'm Gerard Depardieu. Who do you think I am, lady? I'm Schmidt.

Please take that off, you look like a homeless pencil.

Schmidt

Nick: Schmidt, I have to ask you a favor. It's about my clothes.
Schmidt: Burn them! Burn them all!

Schmidt: Here are some things you want to hide about yourself on tonight's date--you're cheap, you're a heavy drinker, you're broke, you have a problem with anger.
Winston: Your car is horrible.

You can't outrun the Jewish!

Schmidt

My face touched the mustache of a corpse today, Bobby. I'm not afraid of you.

Schmidt

Maybe none of us should go to this funeral. The early buzz on this thing is it's gonna be a real drag.

Schmidt
Displaying quotes 19 - 27 of 31 in total