First off, I never fart with a new chick until like the fourth date, third maybe. Second off, I have never in my life farted the smell of a rotting corpse. I'm telling you I would have to eat a dead guy who just ate Indian food and then shit his pants, in order to smell that bad. That's how bad it was.

Sean

You think we could light like one or two... hundred more candles?

Sean

I don't want to spend the next ten years twisting in the wind trying to figure out all of this, you know, anger or grief. I don't want to be you. All the stuff you're talking about, I mean, all the stuff about God and ghosts and all of it. It doesn't make a difference, the women and the booze. You have to just go home and kiss your wife the way you kissed me. That might work a little magic.

Kelly

The doctor said "you won," but I don't feel like I won anything!

Kelly

Mike: Her vagina. Was it like rank? Cause that happens to chicks, bro. That's why they invented the douche.
Sean: I thought they invented that so we'd have something to call you.

I'll tell you what I think. your wife has a vagina. Sheila has a vagina. Kelly has a vagina. Your daughters have vaginas. You are surrounded by vaginas on all sides, which is probably the reason why, I believe, you've grown one all on your own. Because you're no longer thinking with your cock, you're thinking with your vag. It's the only reason that makes sense because otherwise you would be banging beautiful Miss Kelly instead of heading into one of these emotional affairs with her, just like last year.

Lou

Why don't you get that Tom? I've got a funny feeling it's probably for you.

Lou

Everybody dies. Some die quick and easy. Some die quick and hard.

Tommy
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