Wolowitz: There are two not-unattractive middle school teachers.
Raj: Wonderful. How old are they?
Wolowitz: Fifty, fifty-five.
Raj: Woh, menopause, nature's birth control.

I should have asked for much more than a comic book and a robot.

Sheldon

"Sorry" doesn't make up for the fact that I had to make chicken and rice with this vegan guy! Do you know what vegan chicken and rice is? Rice!

Raj

Leonard, when that woman moved in three years ago, I told you not to talk to her, and now look, we're going to be late to the movies.

Sheldon

But if she dumps you, she'll have a new boyfriend by tomorrow morning, and you'll have a new girlfriend when you figure out how to build one.

Wolowitz

That seems like an awful lot of trouble to go through for intercourse. Don't you have access to women who will do it for money?

Sheldon

Sheldon: Is that what you're wearing to watch football over at Penny's?
Leonard: What's wrong with a football jersey?
Sheldon: Nothing. That, however, appears to be a football cocktail dress.

If you're interested, I also know all about frying meat that isn't chicken as if it were chicken

Sheldon

Wolowitz: Sheldon knows football?
Leonard: Apparently.
Wolowitz: I mean, Quidditch, sure. But football?

Raj: The only thing I've learned in the last two hours is that American men love drinking beer, pee too often, and have trouble getting erections.
Leonard: Focus on the game, not the commercials, Raj.
Raj: I'm just saying, maybe if you people cut back on the beer, you could get out of the bathroom and satisfy your women without pharmaceutical help.

Raj: You always do this, you know. You ditch me for a woman you have no shot with
Wolowitz: I totally had a shot
Raj: With a woman you were chasing through a park? That's not a shot, that's a felony

Wolowitz: I would have caught up to her if I didn't pull my hammy
Raj: Oh please, you weigh 80 pounds, you don't have a hammy

TBBT Quotes

Penny: Hey, Sheldon, did you change your Wi-Fi password again?
Sheldon: Yes, it's "Penny, get your own Wi-Fi." No spaces.

Sheldon: Why do people cry at weddings?
Mary: They're practicing for what's coming later.