If the previews for The Bachelor Season 19 Episode 5 are any indication, the ish is getting REAL for Chris Soules and his women.
They're headed to Santa Fe, New Mexico for a week of dates and drama, and we're here at home recapping it all. Keep reading to find out who goes home, or head over to The Hollywood Gossip to read The Bachelor spoilers. We won't judge.
It's quite unclear whether or not Megan realizes that New Mexico is part of the United States. Apparently the only thing she knows about Mexico is "sombreros" and she doesn't know if people wear those in New Mexico as well. Minus 10.
Oh, wait. "I've never been out of the country." Minus 25.
Within minutes of hitting the casino, Ashley has already mentioned her virginity. Minus 4.
Carly gets the first one-on-one date and the other girls instantly hate her. She's happy though. Super happy.
Chris takes her to a hacienda and Carly has already decided this will be the day they look back on as the day they knew they would be together for ever. Hey, Carly. Your cart is here and your horse is waaaaaay over there.
A love and intimacy mentor, Tziporah, is going to guide them through meditation to help them unlock some intimacy. The date card did say "Let's come together..."
The love guru burns some sage and eventually makes them sit back to back and hum and breathe and vocalize and this is cracking me up. Carly gets to blindfold Chris and without using her voice, tease him with fruits and chocolates, and feel him up.
I am the one who needs the blindfold. This is....now this love guru has them stripping each other.
Oh thank the tv gods, Carly said she's uncomfortable so they're stopping. So many "it was hard" jokes, you guys. So very many. Plus 4
After a very intimate breathing exercise, they feel compelled to thank each other by kissing. A lot. Later, Carly talks about her ex-boyfriend, which is sort of a no-no in dating. They dated for two years and he never wanted to be physically intimate with her. She's got a lot of insecurities and she's looking for Chris to fix them.
Finally, she asks HIM a question instead of just talking and it's a good talk. Right now I want Carly to win. I'll settle for a date rose, which Carly gets. Plus 10
It's group date time and Chris is taking his harem white water rafting. The very, very dolled up and fake-eyelashed Ashley among them. Megan thinks the river might be full of alligators. Or dead bodies. Minus 7.
Minus 18 for that terrifying "safety" speech the river guide gave. Holy crap. Terrifying and not at all actual advice on what to do in the water. Like never let go of your paddle.
Jade has a condition where she gets hypothermia easily so she gets a foot massage from Chris. It's an actual medical condition but the other girls make fun of her, especially Kelsey, who says she's not going to get any attention because "she's fine."
So THAT is why later in the night she's very NOT fine....
Jordan, who was eliminated in Week 2, drove from Colorado to New Mexico to tell Chris she was nervous and drunk and here she is and can they talk.
He's on the way to a party with the rest of the women he hasn't eliminated and Jordan is threatening to take that time away from them. Time which he gives her.
He tells her that her drinking was problematic and she asks for a second chance. He walks her into the cocktail party. Minus 10.
None of the women at the cocktail party can believe it. He tells them that he's considering giving her a second chance or at the very least just letting her enjoy the cocktail party with them. That immediately puts a damper on the entire evening. He also leaves the door open for any of them to tell him how they feel about it.
Ashley takes the first crack at it saying Jordan isn't marriage material. Whitney and Kaitlyn tell Jordan she doesn't deserve to be there.
Every single girl tells him this is ridiculous. Plus 10.
Ashley calls the girls who remain "Top 11," which says she in no way thinks this is about Chris. This is straight up a competition to her.
Apparently Britt doesn't shower. Not washing her hair is working for her because her hair is gorgeous. Her date card says "The sky's the limit" and Britt straight up bursts into tears because she's scared of heights.
Chris heads back into the cocktail hour to grab Jordan. He tells her he can't let her stay. She thanks him for being honest. I'm side-eyeing a dozen producers right now who put her up to this. The other girls erupt into tears of relief.
Whitney gets the group date rose and lets out a little "yessssss!" when he calls her name. Ashley cries harder and says this is messed up. Later she tells Mackenzie that Whitney is fake and hates her. Ugh. Minus 5.
Whitney says she doesn't get the sense that Ashley is pretending to be something she's not, meaning she really does think Ashley is this big a narcissist.
Chris has a one-on-one date with Britt and he's starting it by waking her up at 4:32 in the morning to start their day. They share a few quick kisses in the room where other girls are sleeping and that's not awkward at all. Minus 4.
She manages to get dressed in five minutes because she sleeps in her makeup--no, she puts makeup on to go to bed--and I have to hope she doesn't do that all the time and is only doing it for moments like this one when a hot guy might come into her room with a camera crew.
She cannot stop staring at him in the limo on the way to their date. It's adorable. Plus 4.
Britt, who is scared to death of heights, is stupid crazy excited to go on a hot air balloon ride with him. Apparently her fear only extends to heights from which she might have to jump. Or she's not actually as scared as she let on.
While Chris is taking Britt to his room, the other girls are back in their suite dissing her and her non-showering ways. And apparently she told a group of the girls she loves being single and doesn't understand women who want kids and I'm not sure I buy it because it's coming out of Ashley's mouth.
(My husband sees Britt and Chris on the screen and says "I don't like her. She's hamming it up." Take that as you will.)
Chris and Britt really seem to be going for a roll in the hay and he gets up and shuts the door to his room. Let's see either of them try to deny what's happening behind those doors....
Britt returns, rose in hand, and tells the girls they took a hot air balloon ride and the camera shots of the other women gawking at her while she talks about how they took a nap together are amazing.
Right. She says they took a nap. For two hours.
Kelsey leaves the room and then she's on an elevator trying to find Chris' room so she can tell him the story of how she became a widow. She has to do that right this very minute.
"I'm just...uh...isn't my story amazing? It's tragic but amazing. I love my story." --Kelsey, ladies and gentlemen. She actually said that. Minus 45.
This woman is cracked. Out of her gourd. C-R-A-C-K-E-D.
It's time for the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party and Whitney's got her Sherlock Holmes hat on. While all of the women are nervous, including those who have roses already, Kelsey is right as rain. Something's up and Whitney knows it.
Chris totally outs Kelsey for sneaking out to meet him in his speech to the women before the party begins. Chris Harrison to the rescue!
"This is harder than I thought it would be." --Chris Soules. "It always is." --Chris Harrison.
She keeps using her late husband's first name and it's almost like invoking his spirit or something. It's weird. She's...so weird. Then Britt's complimenting her pumps right after Kelsey says that saying goodbye is so hard.
WHERE IS CHRIS HARRISON!? WHAT IS GOING ON!?
Oh. There he is. There will be no cocktail party. Chris Soules is heading straight into the rose ceremony. Plus 8
But not before Kelsey can have a complete freakout and claim she's afraid of going to the ceremony because "it's scary." She believes her story is the reason he canceled the cocktail party. He's too moved and emotional. Or something.
And now she's having a panic attack and they're calling 911 and Kelsey isn't in the promos for next week....dun dun dunnnnnn.
This episode is to be continued. But here's your total for this week:
EPISODE TOTAL: -83 SEASON TOTAL: -187
If you missed a single minute of this insane lovefest, you can watch The Bachelor online right here.
Miranda Wicker is a Staff Writer for TV Fanatic. Follow her on Twitter.