Is this the season of near-fights? It seems that way.
The good news, or bad news depending on what you're looking for, no judgment, is that no one came to blows on 90 Day Fiance: Happily Ever After? Season 5 Episode 11, but Kalani, Angela, and Tania were all fired up, and surprisingly, Andrei was pretty chill.
Oh, and as usual, Colt and Debbie reminded us that they have one of the most disturbing relationships on the show.
Licks, Tricks, and Secrets
Seriously, one cannot ever get the visual of Colt and Debbie on their ice cream date, sitting in a booth, with a neon "Lick" sign flashing between them.
Please, tell me someone arranged them there on purpose? Actually, don't. I don't want to know.
Debbie has continued to earn her stripes as one of the 90 Day franchises' biggest villains, and she couldn't even enjoy her sweet treat to congratulate herself for a job well-done before Colt was joking about condoms and serious about inviting Jess back to their place to visit them.
For her part, Jess mostly agreed to visit because she wants to see the kitties, which means she's probably going to withhold her own from the resident lothario of the season.
It's almost guaranteed that Colt won't be getting any loving from Jess when she finds out his latest secrets. For one, he hasn't shared with her that he's been speaking to other women.
It's something he didn't want to discuss over video chats, but at least if he did, he wouldn't have to deal with shoes flying in his direction.
But the biggest shocker is that, despite his reassurances that he's not doing anything or communicating much with Vanessa, his gorgeous friend is now living with him and Debbie, and Jess has no idea!
Colt loves cats, but he's a total hound-dog. But damn if he doesn't bring all the delicious drama that keeps us tuning in.
Debbie was the one who invited Vanessa to stay with him since she's dealing with some personal issues with her divorce. Even though Debbie was not a fan of Jess' visit, a part of her is probably as thrilled for the drama to ensue when Jess and Vanessa come face to face as we are.
How is this going to work?! Colt is going to have a whole harem of women and cats at his mother's house; this is going to be entertaining as heck.
Colt has balls of steel. His reasoning for not telling Jess the truth about his new roommate is he's afraid if she finds out about Vanessa, she won't come for a visit.
Duh, Colt! But if he thinks he can sweet-talk Jess out of unleashing holy hell upon all of them when she gets there and finds out what's really going on, then he's delusional.
Pay for My Boobies!
Meanwhile, Colt's ex is trying to make her relationship with Eric work. We all know it's not going to happen, but they're making attempts, so what can you do?
Larissa wasted no time getting into her issues with Eric being a cheapskate. She's smooth for wanting him to buy things to make his house more of a home for her while she's there.
Although, maybe taking him to a store where someone charges $11,000 for one damn couch wasn't the brightest idea, or was it?
If you think about it, a reasonably frugal person like Eric would never fork over that much cash for a sectional, but in comparison, "loaning" her money for plastic surgery would be a worthier investment.
It's unfortunate that Larissa isn't happy with her appearance. She's already had some work done, and now she wants even more. She keeps finding flaws and reasons to justify needing more, and now she's using Eric as an excuse.
She claims that she doesn't like her breasts since she had children, and it's also why she wants some liposuction done too. She also reminded him that the things he said about their sex life have severely damaged her self-esteem.
Larissa claims she never had these insecurities with Colt, or rather that she didn't think any of that mattered since he was overweight. But with Eric, she wants to look her best, and he makes her feel insecure.
Larissa's insecurities are much deeper than Colt, or Eric, or anyone, and it's quite sad.
Eric is an odd position here. He likes the way Larissa looks now, and he keeps saying as much. He wants her to be happy, but he also doesn't want her to change herself on his account.
No shade, but maybe the money she expects Eric to fork over for more plastic surgery would be better used on regular therapy sessions.
Everyone versus Tania
Syngin is living his best life in South Africa, and the longer he stays, the more obvious it is that he and Tania are not going to work. Where else can they go from here?
Syngin is open about not wanting children even though Tania does. He's also vocal about not wanting to stay in Connecticut, let alone live in the States.
While it's been annoying that Tania has barely given him space to enjoy returning home to his family without whining about something or trying to dampen his mood, they ganged up on her a bit.
It's not unreasonable for her to expect Syngin to have some direction after two years. She's not expecting him to have it all figured out. At least, that's what she said.
And when she tried to express herself to Syngin's family, they either had excuses for him, gaslit her or laughed at how upset she was getting.
She knew who she married, and that's a valid criticism for her because it does often feel as though she expects him to meet all of these requirements she suddenly put upon him. And it's unfair of her to think he should mold himself around her.
The comments about how she didn't want to raise her future children in South Africa because of the racial climate and dangers were almost laughable, but she wasn't completely unreasonable either.
They're not going to work out. At this rate, Syngin should stay in South Africa, and she should go home. Nothing good is coming from her throwing tantrums and getting emotional at dinner tables with people who aren't moved by her emotional theatrics.
Beating this Horse into Submission
Is anyone else still trying to figure out how Angela got so pissed off in the first place? Speaking of theatrics, Angela was showing her entire ass after meeting Michael's aunt.
She gets so caught up and fixated on one thing, doesn't try to understand what it may or may not mean, and then she has a conniption about it.
Her spazzing out over "submission" was so off the wall, and then her response was to show Michael she's a strong woman by trying to yell and threaten HIM into submission.
From kicking him out of the room to wanting him out of the house, and threatening to kick his ass and call off the wedding, it was A LOT.
Michael knows who he's about to marry, so he never struck me as someone who thought he could tame Angela. Her ire felt misplaced and like an over-exaggeration.
As usual, most of the time, Angela's freakouts come across as her knowing she's mucked something up or jeopardized something, so then she finds someone or something else to distract from herself.
She loves going on her proud American bits, and of course, dancing on the line of being disrespectful to the Nigerian culture when it pisses her off.
It was hilarious when she hired a translator to talk to Michael's mom, but then she barely used the woman and sent her away during a conversation that would've required her most.
She wanted to know if she still had Mama's blessing even if she refused to be a submissive wife, which was fine with Michael's mom as long as he was happy.
But then she wanted to bring up that she may not be able to "tote a baby," and wanted to know if the blessing would still stand. Mama was fine, but they understated their fertility situation.
By now, Angela knows for sure she can't have children, but she's dangling that bit of hope out there as if it's still possible. But alas, whatever it takes to get those two down the aisle!
The Moldova Slander is Real
Speaking of getting down the aisle, the way Libby and her family have treated this Moldovan wedding, you'd swear she and Andrei weren't already married two damn years ago.
The rest of Libby's family arrived in Moldova, and once again, Andrei actually put on his best face and was trying to be on his best behavior. But once again, the Americans got in the car and proceeded to shit-talk Moldova.
How none of them see themselves as disrespectful when it comes to this is beyond me. Libby's sister kept whining about wishing she was in Paris instead and talking about how gloomy and drab Moldova is.
Andrei's mother made another spread to welcome them to the country, and Libby's family complained about the food again.
Nevertheless, Andrei did suck it up and remained on his best behavior. He was even friendly with Chuck and that other one, but this time their issue was that him being cordial to them was "fake."
I mean, I get that Andrei is an asshole, but there's no winning for him with these people, is there?
Chuck and co., couldn't wait to tell the others about the dispute between them and Andrei, and as usual, they conveniently left out some of their contributions to what prompted all of this.
And that led to the family Libby siding with one another and plotting against Andrei and this wedding again. They all schemed and agreed to meet up with other friends and members of Andrei's family so they could get information about Andrei and his past in Ireland.
Nothing like a divide and conquer, am I right?
Libby's mother and sister wasted no time enlisting the help of an employee at the dress shop to translate for them while they shit-talked Andrei and interrogated his brother's wife.
They lucked up by finding someone on Andrei's side of the family who doesn't seem to like him either, and she confirmed that Andrei has always been a bit of a dick, but she feels he's gotten worse since he got to America.
Thanks to her family's lack of chill, Libby got to hear all of this while trying on traditional Moldovan wedding dresses that she had no real interest in wanting to wear, and it led to them discussing what happened at the dinner again.
Again, why should we care if Andrei is hiding something or not? It's been two years, Libby and Andrei have been married all of this time, and they have a child together.
It sounds dumb that everyone is throwing ultimatums around as if Libby not walking down the aisle in Moldova changes the fact that they're already married and have a child.
I doubt Chuck didn't do some research when he first found out about Andrei, so what else is there to find? And why keep assuming that Andrei is hiding something nefarious when he probably wants everyone to mind their business?
But the quest to find out Andrei's secrets continues, and who knows if this Moldovan wedding will even happen or not.
F**K Those Kids!
Asuelu's family is awful. It's no other way of saying it.
Kalani was tired of Asuelu trying to run interference between him and his family, so she decided to meet his mom and sister by herself, and what transpired was one of the most dramatic and ruthless confrontations ever.
Kalani was fed up, so she came into the standoff hot when she basically told them that they wouldn't be getting any money, and what she says goes in their house.
I mean, Kalani definitely set the tone for that, but you can't blame her.
From there, Asuelu's mother admitted that she doesn't give a damn about Asuelu's children, she wants her money, and it's his duty to give it to her.
She even said that she wanted Asuelu to return to Samoa, leaving Kalani and his sons behind. If this was about Samoan culture and family, then why the hell would they advocate for Asuelu abandoning his?
What's not clicking with these women? Asuelu doesn't make enough money to support his own family, let alone them. But his mom's solution was that Kalani needs to get a job.
She even said that the stay-at-home mom of two young babies was lazy for not working, too. And the mom-shaming was out of control from that point forward once Asuelu's sister jumped in.
Asuelu's family picks and chooses, what's the Samoan way and what isn't. They shamed Kalani's parents for living with them, and they're all about this giving money to take care of the elders, but then, they want Kalani's parents to fork over money to pay for them too.
Shouldn't Kalani's parents be taking care of as well?
Kalani didn't have it in her to listen to any more of their bullcrap, and the conversation should've been over after they said her children didn't matter.
But then Asuelu's sister had to go on about how Kalani exploited her brother and got knocked up on a one-night stand, and said she never liked the older woman for her brother.
Asuelu's sister threw out all the criticisms fans of the show have for Kalani, but given that it came from a scamming bully, it was rich.
Asuelu's sister was ready to come to blows, and her mom had to hold her back. But do you think she could've taken Kalani?
I wasn't convinced at all that Kalani was much of a fighter, but something about the energy she gave off when she was recounting the incident to Asuelu changed my mind. I would've paid to see it.
Unfortunately, when she told Asuelu everything that happened, he still didn't want to believe it.
And in his defense, Kalani's delivery was not the best. She never liked Asuelu's family anyway, so she came in telling him he's never going to see and talk to them again because of how awful they are.
Asuelu's in a different country by himself and constantly surrounded by Kalani's entire family, who more or less can't stand him and tell him to his face often.
They weren't the most welcoming or nicest even back when he was a sweet, culture-shocked young man who wasn't an asshole (and believe it or not, he was a sweet guy once upon a time).
It's not a surprise that he wants to be close to some family, so he's grasping at straws even though the family he's reaching out to suck.
It's no skin off of Kalani's back since she never wanted to be bothered in the first place, but this came as a blow for Asuelu.
That said, how much more does he need to see and hear before he recognizes that cutting ties is probably best? His mother and sister don't care about him and don't mean him well.
Kalani went there trying to defend him and their family, and he turned right around and said she was the one in the wrong. Asuelu needs to wake up!
But is it too late? Kalani confided in her sister again after the ordeal, and it sounds as if she's done.
Her sister doesn't want Kalani staying with Asuelu for the kids, and Kalani doesn't know if there is enough love there to justify staying with Asuelu.
Asuelu and Kalani have always been an off-kilter couple, and personally, it never seemed as though there was love between them, so this revelation isn't shocking.
It's still kind of sad, though.
Over to you, 90 Day Fanatics! Which couple's story did you enjoy most? Hit the comments below!
You can watch 90 Day Fiance: Happily Ever After? online here via TV Fanatic.
Jasmine Blu is a senior staff writer for TV Fanatic. She is an insomniac who spends late nights and early mornings binge-watching way too many shows and binge-drinking way too much tea. Her eclectic taste makes her an unpredictable viewer with an appreciation for complex characters, diverse representation, dynamic duos, compelling stories, and guilty pleasures. You'll definitely find her obsessively live-tweeting, waxing poetic, and chatting up fellow Fanatics and readers. Follow her on Twitter.