Favorite Alan Harper Quotes
Charlie: She looks like Rose!
Alan: It couldn't be, she's still in England, right?
Charlie: Last I heard.
Jake: I got a postcard from her the other day.
Charlie: Really, what did it say?
Jake: Uh, well, let's see. "Dear Jake, How are you? I'm fine. Hope you're doing well in school. Ha, ha." I think that's a joke 'cause she knows I struggle with my grades. Let's see, what else. Oh, yeah. "Say 'hello from England' for everybody." Hello, from England.
Alan: So is there anything I should know about? Any side effects or anything?
Doctor: Well that's one of the purposes of the research. But in tests of this nature, common side effects include dry mouth, hair loss, blurred vision, inflammed gums...
Alan: Okay.
Doctor: ...Mild nausea, heart palpitations, liver damage...
Alan: Wow!
Doctor: ...Boils, shingles, sudden fainting, and temporary darkening of the stool.
Alan: Good Lord! How much do you pay people to do this?
Doctor: A thousand dollars a week.
Alan: I'm in!
Evelyn: Jake, do you want Grandmommy to teach you how to use chopsticks?
Alan: Don't confuse him. He just learned how to use a fork.
Jake: Real funny, Alan.
Charlie: You got your food in my refrigerator, your car in my garage, and your stupid, flowered towels in my guest bathroom!
Alan: Hey, those towels are very pretty. They brighten up the whole room.
Charlie: They're gay, and they scream "civil union!"
Alan: Obviously, we disagree about my role in this household.
Charlie: We sure do. You think you have one, and I don't!
Alan: So I can't even have one stupid thing in this house?
Charlie: Hey, leave Jake out of this!
Alan: What about this umbrella stand that has no umbrellas?
Charlie: A girl gave me that, too.
Alan: Another great weekend?
Charlie: No, it was raining.
(describing Charlie's knick-knacks) The deep sea helmet, the fake jazz posters—add an old snow sled and a couple of baseball pennants, you could open a T.G.I. Friday's!
Alan: Decor? You call this decor?
Charlie: What would you call it?
Alan: Random crapola.
Charlie: What's that?
Alan: A decorative bowl. I thought it would be perfect to keep our keys in.
Charlie: Well, I don't like it. Take it back.
Alan: But it was on sale.
Charlie: I don't care if you got it free with a subscription to Ugly Bowl Illustrated.
Alan: Stop going through puberty and we'll talk about it.
Jake: Stop being so cheap and we'll talk about it!
Alan: Before we got here, this was just a big empty space where you just sat around, got drunk, and had casual sex with women you don't even care about. There was no love, no family, and no meaning.
Charlie: There's a word for that, Alan: Utopia.
