Favorite Alan Harper Quotes
Alan: (Charlie makes fun of Alan's bicycling outfit) Excuse me, this is what they wear in the Tour de France.
Charlie: (referring to his French one night stand) Alan, I just took the Tour de France, and the only thing I was wearing was a smile and a condom.
Alan [about Jake]: What's the matter with him?
Judith: His little girlfriend broke up with him.
Alan: Oh, no.
Judith: Yeah, I was hoping you could talk to him, because, let's face it, who knows more about getting dumped?
Alan: You don't have to flatter me, Judith. I'll talk to him.
Alan: Jake, sooner or later every guy gets dumped.
Charlie: Some guys get dumped sooner and later, right, Alan?
[Alan glares]
Charlie: Sorry, I should've "eased into it."
Alan: So, how's school?
Jake: Okay.
Alan: Anything noteworthy happen?
Jake: No.
Charlie: I thought you said he got dumped!
Alan: I was easing into it.
Charlie: Oh. Okay, go ahead.
Judith: Hey, honey, how was your weekend?
Jake: Great. Uncle Charlie's a genius.
Judith [to Alan]: I thought you talked to him.
Alan: I did!
Judith: Then why is Uncle Charlie the genius?
Alan: Because he never got married.
Alan: I'm in trouble here, Charlie. How do I get out of a stagnant, joyless relationship?
Charlie: If I knew how to do that, you wouldn't still be living here.
Charlie: You're supposed to meet her there.
Alan: Why?
Charlie: What do you mean, "Why?" You're gonna break up with her and then drive her home? You'll need the Jaws of Life to get her out of your car.
Alan: You didn't say anything about that.
Charlie: It's common sense. Do you know why Custer and Sitting Bull didn't share a pony to Little Big Horn? Because they knew there were gonna be hurt feelings, and the ride home would be awkward!
Alan: Don't you dare feel sorry for me. This is what an adult relationship looks like, Charlie. People get comfortable with each other and they develop a routine, and if it's not always fireworks and explosions, well that's a reasonable trade for a warm, collegiate partnership.
Charlie: You poor, poor bastard.
Alan: I went over Donna's house to break up with her.
Charlie: I'm proud of you.
Alan: Thanks... You're gonna meet her parents next weekend.
Charlie: But you just said...
Alan: I know what I said, but I just couldn't do it. I'm not capable of rejecting another human being.
Charlie: Wow, you would think after all these years, you'd want to get even.
Jake: Hey, Rose, you wanna go see a movie later?
Rose: Maybe. We'll see how your uncle's feeling. He's very, very sick.
Alan: So, basically, what we're saying here is, you'll go to the movies with anybody but me.
Jake: Not anybody. I wouldn't go with Hitler.
Rose got you sick? It had nothing to do with you sticking your tongue down the throat of a flu-riddled bimbo?
Alan: Where did you get that?
Jake: I found it on the table.
Alan: Oh, Jake...
Jake: It's okay, I'm eating on the side without the teeth marks.
Charlie: Puberty, my ass. That's a missing chromosome.
