Alan: It's not what it looks like.
Charlie: That's a relief cause it looks like you were masturbating to mariachi music in your car.
Alan: I only get AM radio!

Think of this way - when she's 70, you're likely to be dead for 10 years.

Alan: Do you have any idea how long it would take me to earn that kind of money?
Charlie: Oh don't think like that. You're never going to earn that kind of money.

Jake: You're cheap.
Alan: I'm not cheap. I'm broke. There's a difference.
Charlie: He was cheap long before he was broke.

Charlie: Does she still have a Hitler mustache on the Russian front?
Alan: I wouldn't know. I was blindfolded and hog tied.

Oh boy, role playing. Can I be the man?

Alan: She left her kid there. She's got to come back.
Charlie: Would you come back for that kid?
Alan: She's never coming back.

Alan: It's always good to have a choice of dips.
Lyndsey: And I chose you.
Alan: Zing.

After seven years, I finally move out of your house, and within two days, I burn my new home down. You can't write this stuff.

Alan: You don't really think he'd give me a thousand dollars an hour?
Lyndsey: If I were you, I'd get the money up front.

Charlie: I promise I'll get a quiet hooker.
Alan: Believe or not, that's a real concession on his part.

Alan: The man who was asked to leave Bangkok for moral turpitude finds this distasteful?
Charlie: That was a misunderstanding. I had no idea it was an endangered species.
Alan: Nothing I'm doing requires a ten day quarantine and a series of rabies shots.

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.

Charlie: Oh, try
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.