Favorite Berta Quotes
Berta: Okay you and me need to talk
Charlie: I know I know. you didn't sign up for this. You work for me, not for her, and it's bad enough you have to put up with zippy and the chip
Berta: No, I like her better than you so for now on I'm working for her
Charlie: What?
Berta: You need something? You ask her, she talks to me, we decide
Charlie: I don't get vote?
Berta: Yeah, you get a vote. One vote our of three. Good luck with that
Berta: That's a pretty mouth, but it's not made for singing
Jake: What's it made for?
Alan: Eating
Jake: I thought she meant oral sex
Lydia: Berta, I'd like some scrambled egg whites, dry wheat toast, and Earl Grey tea.
Berta: Oh, yeah? Well, I'd like some new shoes, a jet pack, and a waistline
You spent all that money on an ex-wife and an ex-wife's house and you're not allowed inside either one of them
Berta [to Alan]
Alan: I'm a victim here.
Berta: Oh, yeah, you've got victim written all over you.
Alan: But does my brother sympathize?
Berta: Do Catholic priests make good babysitters?
Okay, I haven't sampled anything from the other side of the buffet since I traveled with the Grateful Dead, but golly Moses, she's a muffin
Berta [upon seeing Kandi sunbathing]
Berta: I made all your favorites: scrambled egg whites; turkey bacon; rye toast, no butter; decaf coffee.
Alan: Well, thank you.
Berta: You eat like a 90-year-old man with stomach cancer, but I don't judge
Alan: Charlie's coming to work with me.
Berta: Why?
Alan: He's helping me around the office.
Berta: You wanna bet?
Berta [trying to convince Alan Jake is constipated]: I'm telling you, my youngest once ate a whole can of Play-Doh—stopped her up for two weeks!
Alan: All right, Berta.
Berta: She finally pooped out a whole ashtray.
Alan: Berta!
Berta: That was the day I quit smoking
Berta: You know, you've got a great view here.
Charlie: You're just noticing?
Berta: My days here are spent looking at dirty toilets and washing horse starch you call sheets
Berta: Well, you don't have to worry about paying me this week, Charlie.
Charlie: Thank you, Berta.
Berta: I'll just take this espresso maker and be on my way. Call me when things pick up
What's the oompa loompa doing here on a weekday?
Berta [about Jake]
