Favorite Berta Quotes
Berta: You mind if I take your room?
Alan: Gee! You want to take my room, I...
Berta: Trust me, you would want me to have a room with a private crapper
Alan: I'm a victim here.
Berta: Oh, yeah, you've got victim written all over you.
Alan: But does my brother sympathize?
Berta: Do Catholic priests make good babysitters?
Jake: Hey, Berta, do you wanna see my armpit hair?
Berta: Only if you want to see mine
You spent all that money on an ex-wife and an ex-wife's house and you're not allowed inside either one of them
Berta [to Alan]
Berta: I made all your favorites: scrambled egg whites; turkey bacon; rye toast, no butter; decaf coffee.
Alan: Well, thank you.
Berta: You eat like a 90-year-old man with stomach cancer, but I don't judge
Okay, I haven't sampled anything from the other side of the buffet since I traveled with the Grateful Dead, but golly Moses, she's a muffin
Berta [upon seeing Kandi sunbathing]
Charlie doesn't go near sick women, I mean physically sick. Around here, one sneeze will get you cab fair and a travel mug
Charlie [to Norman]: I am-- I am, I am so sorry. I had no idea that she was married. Believe me, I have a firm rule when it comes to sleeping with married women.
Berta: Yeah, if she's firm enough, he'll do her.
Charlie [to Berta]: I'm sorry, isn't there something around here you could be cleaning?
Berta: I'm guessing you could use a good scrubbing.
Berta: That's a pretty mouth, but it's not made for singing
Jake: What's it made for?
Alan: Eating
Jake: I thought she meant oral sex
Berta: I thought you were taking your girlfriend out for dinner.
Jake: I am, but I thought if I eat first I won't pig out in the restaurant and make her sick.
Berta: Good idea, then you'll have the whole rest of the night to make her sick.
Jake: Exactly. Plus, I won't snap at her if she reaches for one of my fries.
Berta: Well, you don't have to worry about paying me this week, Charlie.
Charlie: Thank you, Berta.
Berta: I'll just take this espresso maker and be on my way. Call me when things pick up
Alan: You're going to lose quite a bit of money by pulling out early.
Berta: Yeah well if Jimmy Lee did the same, I wouldn't need the money.
