Favorite Charlie Harper Quotes
Mia: Charlie, I came here because... Well... I want your sperm.
Charlie: All right, where do you want it?
I slept with a woman who wanted to be a man. Or, I slept with a man in a woman's body. Or, and this is my new favorite and the title of my autobiography, my mom and I slept with the same dude!
Charlie: What time?
Alan: Eight.
Charlie: O'clock?
Alan: No, degrees
Charlie: Rose was in my bedroom because she was tired.
Jake: Uncle Charlie, I'm an underachiever, not an idiot
Alan: Marriage is like skydiving. You have to jump out of the old plane...
Charlie: And get sucked into the old propeller.
Alan:...A propeller of love
Rose: Every time we have sex I can feel his eyes burning a hole in the back of my head.
Charlie: That's gonna keep me up at night
If you can't afford dog food, don't get a dog
I either drank too much, or got hit by a train
Charlie: Berta, my hair is important to me.
Berta: Alright, don't get your panties in a bunch.
Charlie: What's that supposed to mean?
Berta: It means, "don't get so agitated that your undergarments become entangled within your crack."
Alan: Sex is not what the group's about.
Charlie: Oh, grow up. You put single men and women on folding chairs in a church basement they're going to start mounting each other
Jake: Do I look okay?
Charlie: Jake, she waved at you, she smiled, clearly her standards aren't that high.
Jake: Right, thanks.
Charlie: If Chelsea were your fiancee, you'd have bigger problems.
Alan: Like what?
Charlie: Being the last man on Earth.
