Favorite Charlie Harper Quotes
Alan: She broke up with her ex-husband. She said she didn't want to go backwards.
Charlie: In what universe is dating you not going backwards?
Alan: I know. This guy must be all kinds of messed up.
Charlie: Where did you learn to speak Spanish?
Alan: Junior high, high school, college, two years of chiropractic school in Mexico.
Charlie: What's so tough to understand? We're gonna have a big family dinner right here.
Alan: Uh-huh. And whose big family were you planning on inviting?
Charlie: You know: me, you, Jake, Mom, turkey. Just like the good old days.
Alan: What good old days?
Alan: Is that a votive candle?
Charlie: Yep. She's praying that I have pleasant bowel movements.
Alan: Oh, please.
Charlie: No, no. It's working. This morning, soft, firm easy peasy.
Charlie: I need to show Lisa that I'm a family man.
Alan: But you're not.
Charlie: That's not the point. She's about to go off and marry some jerk, just because he loves her and wants to settle down.
Alan: Oh, I see. You're Satan
Charlie: The good news is that we're both really clean.
Courtney: Inside and out. Shall we go upstairs and get dirty again?
Charlie: I'm right behind you.
Courtney: What else is new?
Alan: I just wanted to say, "I'm always here for you."
Charlie: Never doubted that.
Alan: Thank you.
Charlie: Wasn't a compliment.
Alan: You're a very lucky guy, Charlie.
Charlie: I ran through a plate glass window and you puked in my piano. How is that lucky?
Alan: You could have bleed to death. I could vomited on my shoes.
Charlie: Those are my shoes.
Alan: Which is why you're lucky.
Berta: I also found a half written suicide note in your brother's handwriting. Should I be nervous?
Charlie: You mean that he won't get through with it?
Charlie: This is serious, Alan. I could lose her.
Alan: Wow. And you care?
Charlie: I love her, Alan. She's the only one I thought I might eventually wind up with.
Alan: "Eventually wind up with." I'm touched. So, what, do you want to keep her warming up in your bullpen until the bottom of the ninth, when you lose your... arm?
Charlie: Live with me.
Lisa: Charlie—
Charlie: No, I'm serious. Move back in.
Lisa: Really? And then what?
Charlie: And then we'll see.
Lisa: Wow, a commitment to "see." And what finger does that ring go on, Charlie?
Courtney: Charlie, you shouldn't have!
Charlie: Well, you've done a lot of things for me you shouldn't have.
