Charlie: Alan, there comes a time in every man's life when he has to make a choice: does he want to be loved, or does he want to get laid. Fourteen years ago you made the wrong choice. You got married, and you wound up with neither. But now, fate has given you another chance. Welcome it. Embrace it. Grab its pert little ass.
Alan: What am I supposed to do, walk into my son's birthday and say, "Hey everybody, look at this gorgeous 22-year- old woman I'm having sex with."
Charlie: Oh, don't be silly. You don't want to rub their faces in it, you just want them to know where yours has been

Charlie: I once had an orgasm with a lawn dart stuck in my foot.
Chelsea: Do you think I'm crazy?
Charlie: No. Having sex right over the hedge across from where the kids were playing lawn darts was crazy.

Charlie: This is where you come every day?
Alan: For eleven years, what do you think?
Charlie: I'd have killed myself ten and a half years ago

Charlie: I never told you about half the stuff Rose pulled around here.
Alan: Why not?
Charlie: Cause we needed a babysitter and I didn't want you to get spooked

It's show business, Alan. You don't tell people the truth

Charlie: You're right! I am addicted! I have a vagina on my back, but I know I can get it off! I mean, you gotta help me.
Berta: I can't help you, pal, you gotta help yourself.

Charlie: You look good.
Lisa: You, too. Although if you're taking votes, I prefer the brown sock to the beige one.
Charlie: Oh, I had to kind of dress in a hurry this morning.
Lisa: Really? Did somebody's husband come home early?
Charlie: Why do you always assume the worst? Can't I just be hung over?

Alan: I can't believe it, you're nervous about a date?
Charlie: Of course I'm nervous. What am I going to talk to her about? I haven't gone out with a 40-year-old woman since I was in high school!

Alan: Before we got here, this was just a big empty space where you just sat around, got drunk, and had casual sex with women you don't even care about. There was no love, no family, and no meaning.
Charlie: There's a word for that, Alan: Utopia.

Jeweler: Well, um, tell me something about [Evelyn]. What does she like?
Charlie: Hurting people!
Alan: Charlie... (back to the jeweler) It's a little hard to answer that because we have a bit of a strained relationship.
Jeweler: Oh, so you'd like to find a gift that would help bring you closer together.
Charlie and Alan: (shaking their heads and hands) Oh, no no... no.

Charlie: I'm gonna hate this movie.
Alan: How do you know?
Charlie: Because it has subtitles. The only good subtitles are for Nazis, drug lords and space aliens. Oh and kung fu.

Jake: I heard something break.
Charlie: And you're just coming out now?
Jake: I was establishing my alibi.

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: Oh, try
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.