Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.

Alan: Where are we going?
Charlie: We are going to talk some sense into our mother.
Alan: Really? It's hard to imagine that turning out well

Jamie [to Alan]: You can never have this. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER!
[Jamie leaves]
Charlie: Well, I guess we know why she's still single.

Alan: I can't believe it, you're nervous about a date?
Charlie: Of course I'm nervous. What am I going to talk to her about? I haven't gone out with a 40-year-old woman since I was in high school!

Charlie: What will it take, huh? Cash? Video games?
Jake: I don't want stuff. I got enough stuff when my mom and dad broke up.
Charlie: This isn't the same thing, Jake.
Jake: It doesn't matter. You liked Wendy, and now you don't like her, and nobody cares what I want.
Charlie: Jake, come here, buddy. Sit down. Look, it's not that I don't care what you want. It's just that you're a kid, and what you want doesn't matter

Charlie [hands her flowers]: These are for you.
Mia: You didn't have to do that.
Charlie: Really? My brother said I did

Dr. Freeman: How's work?
Charlie: It's been pretty slow. Thankfully the house is paid off, the pension is funded, and I've give up prostitutes. Really all I need is drinking money... what's that, a couple grand a month?
Dr. Freeman: Sounds about right

Alan: Hey, how's the intensines?
Charlie: Clean as a whistle... it's the city's problem now

Alan: Come on, Charlie. You gotta admit, you put out a special kind of vibe.
Charlie: You don't mean special. You mean special !
Alan: You're 40 years old, you've never been married, you play the piano, you are meticulous about your appearance...
Charlie: Hey, hey, hey, hey! I've got a riding crop in my bathroom that never touched a horse.
Alan: Your bathroom also has two kinds of skin moisturizer, various hair gels, colognes, powders, and emollients

Jake: These clothes look stupid.
Charlie: You're ten. No one cares

Charlie: You can use this.
Lulu: Nasal spray... thank you, Charlie, that's so thoughtful.
Charlie: Well, you are gonna need to breathe through your nose.

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.