Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.

Charlie: You're like an Alzheimer's patient in a whorehouse.
Alan: What do you mean?
Charlie: You're constantly surprised that you're getting screwed, and you don't want to pay for it

Myra: And it's my first trip to L.A., so I want to do all the traditional stuff.
Charlie: Tomorrow we're going to sit in rush hour traffic and give other drivers the finger

I should have known, the second you give them a ring, they fall out of warranty

Charlie: What about your back pain?
Chelsea: I'll live with it.
Charlie: Are you sure?
Chelsea: I live with you, don't I?

Alan: All right, let's scoot away from the Clinique Counter for a minute and discuss some of the people you've attracted.
Charlie: Ok, ok, you're thinking about that time at the House of Blues, and there's no way I could have known that was a guy!
Alan: He was 6'2" and could palm a medicine ball.
Charlie: I was drunk. He was tucked, taped and gorgeous!

But, when it comes to penises, I'm pretty clear the only one I want winking at me is my own!

Charlie: D-minus? Didn't you read the Cliff Notes?
Jake: That was fifty pages!
Charlie: Unbelievable. Your kid's too lazy to cheat.
Alan: Has it occured to you that maybe he's too honest to cheat?
Jake: No, I'm lazy

Dr. Freeman: Are you drinking?
Charlie: Just the occasional glass with dinner.
Dr. Freeman: Uh huh. And how many dinners have you had today?
Charlie: Three, so far.

Alan: Money doesn't just fall from the sky.
Charlie: Obviously you've never been sitting ringside when a pole dancer hangs upside down.

Charlie: Can you lay off the harmonica playing?
Steven Tyler: Hey, a lot of people pay to see me play harmonica!
Charlie: They pay to hear you sing; they tolerate the harmonica!

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.

Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.