Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Charlie: You're like an Alzheimer's patient in a whorehouse.
Alan: What do you mean?
Charlie: You're constantly surprised that you're getting screwed, and you don't want to pay for it

My name is Charlie, and, um, my maid says I'm a sex addict

Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.

Lyndsey: Oh, God. You saw "Cinnamon's Buns?"
Charlie: Not all the way through. Though I'm very familiar with the bakery shop scene in the middle. You know, with the frosting gun?

He's an alcoholic with a lot of money. There's nothing you can do about people like that. The best you can do is be nice to them so you can inherit their house when they crap out their liver.

Jake: I miss Celeste.
Charlie: I miss Chelsea.
Alan: I miss Herb... I mean... I miss Sex and the City.
Charlie: Yeah, Alan, that's much less gay.

Alan: I'm in trouble here, Charlie. How do I get out of a stagnant, joyless relationship?
Charlie: If I knew how to do that, you wouldn't still be living here.

Alan: So, what are you going to do? You gonna go to a sperm bank?
Charlie: Well, I tried to talk her into a direct deposit. You know, straight from the tap. But she really dug in her heels. And not in a good way.
Alan: And you're okay with it?
Charlie: Well, why not? I've sent billions of solders out there. It's time for one of them to finally take the hill

Jake: This is really weird.
Alan: Why is it weird? Your mom and I may not be living together anymore, but we're still friends.
Jake: I don't flip off my friends when I talk to them on the phone.
Charlie: Nice shooting. Two with one bullet

Charlie: Still early, want to go shoot some hoops?
Jake: Nah, I'm gonna go call Wendy Cho.
Charlie: Hey, bros before Chos!

Alan: Jake, sooner or later every guy gets dumped.
Charlie: Some guys get dumped sooner and later, right, Alan?
[Alan glares]
Charlie: Sorry, I should've "eased into it."

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Charlie: You're like an Alzheimer's patient in a whorehouse.
Alan: What do you mean?
Charlie: You're constantly surprised that you're getting screwed, and you don't want to pay for it