Charlie Harper Quotes
Alan: I'm just supposed to leave my car by the side of the road. What happens if someone tries to steal it?
Charlie: Good thinking. Leave the keys, gas money and a thank you note.
Alan: Don't insult the green lifestyle. I work very hard to reduce my carbon footprint.
Charlie: You're a mooch and a miser, don't try and make it sound hip.
Charlie: I'm hammered, how's it going to look if I get a DUI spying on my ex-girlfriend.
Alan: He's very responsible about drinking and stalking.
Charlie: I can't believe she's already dating.
Alan: You're kidding right? The day after she moved out you ran off to Vegas to marry a stripper.
Charlie: We grieve in different ways. Besides, the stripper was already married so no harm, no foul.
Charlie: I'm gonna hate this movie.
Alan: How do you know?
Charlie: Because it has subtitles. The only good subtitles are for Nazis, drug lords and space aliens. Oh and kung fu.
Charlie: If I can't haive chelsea, I don't want to live.
Alan: Where are you going?
Charlie: Strip club.
Alan: Ah yes, death by lap dance.
Charlie: I can't go in there, it reminds me too much of Chelsea.
Alan: The bathroom?
Charlie: It's where she used to brush her hair, floos her, and tinkle like a princess.
Alan: Okay, where have you been tinkling?
Charlie: I need a new ficus.
Berta: Damnit Charlie, get out of that water!
Alan: We need to go after him.
Berta: Don't look at me! I just ate, I gotta wait a half an hour.
Alan: Well I just took a shower and washed my hair, this is leave in conditioner.
Berta: What about Jake?
Alan: Jake's at this mother's.
Berta: Maybe we should give him a call.
Alan: There's no time!
Charlie [comes back soaking]: Water's really cold.
Alan: Just so you know we were about to come get you.
Berta: Where you going?
Charlie: Out for a swim
Alan: You never go in the water.
Charlie: That's because I'm not a good swimmer.
Alan: You don't think he's gonna?
Berta: I dunno?
Alan: Charlie, stop this!
Berta: Charlie! Come back it's not that bad!
Alan: Come on, Charlie! You still have your family!
Berta: Very smart, now he's sprinting.
(to Alan) All we know is that when Judith and Herb broke up you nailed Judith. Then when they reconciled, Herb nailed Judith. So, the only thing we know for sure is that despite all outward appearances, Judith is a slut.
Charlie: Listen, Janine. Thanks for everything, but I should probably get this little guy home and come back. It's way past his bedtime.
Jake: What are you talking about? It's not past my bedtime.
Charlie: What do you wanna bet he falls asleep in the car and I have to carry him in?
Jake: What do you wanna bet he has to go home and take a laxative because he's too old to poop normal?
(After Janine goes into the kitchen)
Charlie: You don't know who you're messing with.
Jake: (yelling loudly) Are you kidding? I think she's gorgeous! (then slaps his hands together to make her think Charlie's hitting him) OW!! OW!!! (smugly) You don't know who you're messing with.
