Claire: They're really leaving. What do we do?
Phil: What we always do. Leave the porch light on, they'll come back.

We make a good team.

Claire: Oh, how cute. You tried to scare me for Halloween
Phil: How in the world did that not frighten you? Some of this is my actual blood! I knicked myself putting it on.
Claire: Sweetie, you don't know the first thing about scaring people. It's all about plausibility. And you were awfully casual for a guy that just got an ax in the chest. You know, if you really wanted to scare me, you should have waited until I opened the closet and found you hanging by a necktie.
Phil: Excuse me! I killed myself?!
Claire: Yeah, totally plausible. I mean, you've been so happy all these years, the other shoe is bound to drop, right?

Should we be concerned about group-molesting Serge?

Phil: On the trip's final morning, Dede was found in her room. She had apparently passed peacefully in her sleep, as a smile graced her face and her hands clutched ten pages of suggestions for the hotel staff.
Claire: That is so mom.
Mitch: Easy.

  • Permalink: Easy.
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Mitchell! Just because mom is dead doesn't mean she was a saint!

Can you scratch my nose? I feel like you're closer.

The only time I break a sweat is when we run after the ice cream truck

Phil

Luke: Why does Alex get a care package and not me?
Claire: You live in a care package.

Phil, we're them! We're the cover of the old people pamphlet.

Phil: Trust me I'm cool as a cucumber. Something about the coat just knows what my body needs.
Claire: You're sweating like a heroin addict.

Claire: You think maybe you're being a little hard on Luke?
Phil: We're his parents Claire, it's our job to keep him off the stripper pole.

Modern Family Quotes

You could pretend to get sick at the table. You know cough, stomachache, dealer's choice, I don't care just sell it.

Mitchell

Thank you Uncle Manny!

Haley