Charlie: Okay, Mom, I guess I'll see you at the wedding.
Evelyn: Charlie, the wedding is not for six months.
Charlie: Yeah, but it's bad luck to see the bride beforehand.

Jake: Fruit? That's all you got, fruit?
Evelyn: Don't you ever have fruit for breakfast?
Jake: Well, yeah, Frankenberries.
Evelyn: Oh, well, I'm sorry sweetheart. If I'd known you were coming I would have stocked up on crap.

Teddy: Oh, great, now we have to put on clothes for breakfast.
Evelyn: That's the least of our problems. All our leather gear is in the guest room.

Evelyn: Jake, do you want Grandmommy to teach you how to use chopsticks?
Alan: Don't confuse him. He just learned how to use a fork.
Jake: Real funny, Alan.

Evelyn: Margaret, good to see you! How's married life?
Margaret: Oh, just one long honeymoon.
Evelyn: That's because she bangs a different groom every night.
Charlie: Hi. Charlie Harper.

Evelyn: That is the king of vaginal rejuvenation surgery. But interestingly, he's never used one himself, rejuvenated or otherwise.
Charlie: Wouldn't that make him the queen of vaginal surgery?

Evelyn: Teddy is out of town and I need an escort for the Civic Light Opera benefit this evening.
Charlie: Why don't you just try one of those escort services?
Evelyn: Charlie, if I were going to pay $200 per hour for a man, I would not be taking him to the opera.
Charlie: That's fair.

Evelyn: They say that he killed a famous writer just to prove a point.
Charlie: Ooohh. And what was the point?
Evelyn: ...I can kill a writer.

Alan: Well, I'd love to help you out, Mom, but, uh, I have a date tonight.
Evelyn: So, now it's inflatable sex doll night at Dodger Stadium?
Alan: No, no, I really have a date. And the doll was a gag gift from one of my patients.
Evelyn: Charlie, what about you?
Charlie: I tried it once, but I prefer a real woman.

Alan [about Marty]: Mom, are you and he...
Evelyn: Good Lord, no. The man is a thousand years old. It's a wonder his scrotum doesn't get tangled up in the wheels.

Confession may be good for the soul, but for marriage, it's a hot, lead enema.

Evelyn: The sooner you two get married, the sooner I'll have more grandchildren.
Charlie: Why, does Miss Evelyn need a cook and a butler, too?

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: Oh, try
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Charlie: You're like an Alzheimer's patient in a whorehouse.
Alan: What do you mean?
Charlie: You're constantly surprised that you're getting screwed, and you don't want to pay for it