Evelyn Harper Quotes
Children are God's little way of punishing us for having sex.
Evelyn: You're a dermatologist. How do I get rid of 170 lb skin tag?
Alan: Excuse me, 164.
Charlie: Really? That's the part of you object to?
Alan: Would you like to be called a 200 lb drunk?
Charlie: Yeah, well better a lush than a leach.
A doctor? You have access to Charlie's medical records and you still wanted to date him?
Michelle: You have a wonderful son.
Evelyn: Yes I do. But Charlie and Alan must never learn of him.
That 60 Minutes report on Dr. Shankman was entirely one-sided, just like that poor woman's vagina.
Evelyn: When this heals, I'll have the face of a twelve year old girl.
Charlie: But from the neck down you'll have an the body of an Egyptian mummy.
Charlie: I think she punched my right nut into my ribcage.
Evelyn: Poor baby. Want me to take a look?
Charlie: No thanks.
Evelyn: I have seen them before. I'd imagine they're hanging a lot lower now.
Charlie: Right back at you mom.
Evelyn: Touche, darling.
Charlie: Like a gold fish in the leaky bag.
Charlie: I've been thinking a lot about how fleeting life is and that none of us really knows how long we're gonna be here.
Evelyn: Did you find another lump on your pee-pee?
Charlie: No, Mom, my pee-pee's fine.
Evelyn: I don't know how 'worn down to a knob' can be fine, but alright.
(Jake is outdoors trying to hold a "Condos For Sale" sign)
Alan: Thanks, Mom. This is a perfect first job for him.
Charlie: First job? I think you're looking at the birth of a career.
Evelyn: I was gonna have him put up fliers, but I didn't trust him with a staple gun.
Alan: How much are you paying him?
Evelyn: Obviously, too much. Look at him! (Jake is picking his nose) For the record, I promised him $20 and a Playboy magazine.
Evelyn: Don't worry. I'll Magic Marker over the ta-tas and hoo-hoos.
Charlie: Oh, that's disturbing on so many levels.
Evelyn: So, Jake, how do you like high school?
Jake: I'm in eighth grade.
Evelyn: Ah. When do you start high school?
Jake: Hard to say. Eighth grade's really kicking my ass.
Evelyn: I just have one question, did you really vomit on the baby?
Evelyn: Don't beat yourself too much, we've all done that
Charlie: You're kidding?
Evelyn: Of course most of us do it on our own babies.