I want a White Christmas. You know, like white people have.

Gloria: Jay, don't forget Joe's new doll.
Jay: Cam and Mitchell, always pushing their agenda.

What is with you Americans and the foot?

Jay: Name two cabinet level positions.
Gloria: That's easier. There's the higher one for the glasses, and the lower one for the pots and the pans.

Nobody likes dancing more than the gays. Pretend you're on a float!

Mitch

Gloria: He thinks he might be allergic to Stella.
Jay: What? The only reaction this dog gives people is the giggles.

Jay: You know I raised two fully functional children.
Gloria: You have two kids that I don't know about?

The only thing stronger than Manny's fear is his need to protect his mama.

Jay: I thought your phone was stolen.
Gloria: This is Joe's phone.
Jay: This is why the terrorists hate us.

We’re having a little staycation but with a turkey instead of a steak!

What could be more natural than your mother’s tongue in your ear?

Jay: So you don't think I look like Ben Franklin?
Gloria: Oh yes! That's who it is! The man from the hundred dollar bill. My favorite!

Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay

You can't have two fun parents... You know that kid Liam who wears pajama pants to school and pays for things with a hundred-dollar bill? Two fun parents.

Claire