Sasha: Once you fucked my mother my vagina pretty much sealed right up.
Hank: So you're like a Barbi now?

Peggy: I was just telling him I started my period and that my cherry poppin' daddy needs to earn his red wings.
Hank: Oh boy, this planet that you're from? How far from the sun we talking?
Peggy: Excuse fellas, this dirty little girl scout needs to plug herself up. Don't worry Charlie, I'll let you pull the string.

Karen: And the judge? Did you sleep with the judge too?
Hank: No, no, just a little oral and some anal. Its hard to get the robe up.

Karen: Oh my god, nothing changes! You got off so fucking lucky today and are still behaving like a bratty child.
Hank: Right...thank you for reeling me in. Let's hug it out. Celebrate my good fortune?

Oh never have I been so excited to write a huge check and service the community for twelve days.

Hank: Oh god, pity those poor kids who are never going to forget this image of this big naked man-baby rising up from the water like the creature from the pasty white lagoon.
Charlie: There's no grosser than your mother and father they used to sneak off to do it everywhere. In bathrooms, in utility closets...
Marcy: True, didn't you schlob Hank's knob on a balcony once?

Abby: Oh my god you're so generous and sweet.
Hank: Yeah I know I'm going to make some White Power guy an excellent bitch.

You can't let the priests have all the fun.

Well that happened.

The only thing I'm guilty of is poor judgement.

Get me a strainer, I'll clean it up, I'll make it nice.

Revenge is a dish best served with my dick.

Californication Quotes

Nobody likes you. You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny. Now smile, you f--cking douche!

Hank Moody

You fucked me in the ass Hank! I swallowed your cum, but worst of all, I swallowed your fucking bullshit. And you can rationalize it all you want by saying you were always honest with me, but it's still stealing.