Popular Jake Harper Quotes
Charlie: Okay, let me try this again. A vasectomy is a very simple procedure.
Jake: Are you sick??
Charlie: No, no, no, I'm perfectly healthy. It's just a procedure so that I don't have babies by accident.
Jake: Oh, yeah, like we had to do with Scout.
Charlie: Scout?
Alan: The dog we had. Couldn't keep it in his fur! Keep going, you're doing great.
Charlie: Jake, it's not exactly the same with people as it is with dogs.
Jake: I know... Why don't you just wear a condom?
Miss Pasternak: Jake, I'm only your teacher from 8:15 to three o'clock. After that I'm just a person like anybody else.
Jake: This is more wrong than the time I saw Santa peeing at the mall
Miss Pasternak [regarding Jake giving her the middle finger]: I was writing on the board and he thought I couldn't see him.
Alan: Is this true?
Jake: Yeah, I really thought she couldn't see me
Jake: I still don't understand why my mom had to break up with Greg.
Charlie: Well, it could have been worse. She could have married him and then broken up with him. When I was your age, I was already on my third stepfather, and I kind of liked the second one
Jake: I think you should have gotten a car like Greg's.
Charlie: Okay, do yourself a favor and stop worshipping this dude. There's already a guy in your life who's worth looking up to and modeling yourself after.
Jake: Dad?
Charlie: ...okay, two guys
Alan: So this is pretty cool, huh, Jake? An electric car.
Jake: I guess. What happens when the batteries run out?
Alan: You plug it in and recharge it.
Jake: Yeah, but what if there's a blackout?
Charlie: Then you sit in the back seat with a loaded pistol and wait for the looters just like any other car.
Alan: Charlie...
Charlie: It's a cool car, Jake.
Jake: Greg has a really cool car. He has a Hummer.
Charlie: You know, your Uncle Charlie's no stranger to Hummers
Alan: Now, what year did Magellan circumnavigate the globe?
Jake: It's not gonna be on the test.
Alan: Maybe not, but it wouldn't hurt for you to know it anyway.
Jake: Why would I want to know something I don't have to?
Alan: Because maybe you'll need to know it in the future.
Jake: Well, then that's when I'll learn it!
Alan: Why can't you just learn it now?
Jake: 'Cause there's only so much space in my brain that if you put Magellan in there, I might forget my locker combination
Berta: There you go, Elvis, peanut butter and bananas.
Jake: My mom cuts it diagonally.
Berta: Yeah? Well, that's the way I learned to cut it in prison.
Jake: Thank you?
Alan [about Jake's homework]: Why didn't you do this part?
Jake: That's extra credit, you don't have to do it.
Alan: Why don't you do it anyway?
Jake: Because I don't have to.
Alan: But it shows that you're willing to make an extra effort.
Jake: But I'm not.
Alan: Do it anyway.
Jake: Why?
Alan: Jake, if you spent as much time doing the work as you do arguing about it, we'd be done by now.
Jake: I am done, this is the extra!
Alan: Any homework for the weekend?
Jake: Nope.
Alan: Really?
Jake: Okay, yes.
Alan: Jake, do we have to go through this discussion every Friday?
Jake: I'd rather we didn't
Alan: Tell Jake what you told me last night.
Charlie: Oh, okay, sure. Jake, your father didn't steal the Silly Putty, I did.
Jake: Really?
Charlie: Yeah, I stuck it in his pocket, so if anything happened, he'd be the one to get in trouble.
Alan: What do you think now, Jake?
Jake: I think Uncle Charlie's a genius
Jake: If drinking makes you feel bad, why do you drink?
Charlie: Nobody likes a smart ass, kid.
Jake: You have to put a dollar in the swear jar. You said "ass."
Charlie: Tell you what. Here's a twenty. That ought to cover me until lunch
