Jake Harper Quotes
Charlie: Hey, buddy, how you been?
Jake: Life stinks.
Charlie: Cheer up, you're still a kid. It gets much worse
Jake [about Chelsea]: Maybe she has an std
Charlie: What?
Jake: It means sexually transmitted disease
Charlie: I know what STDs are
Alan: Your uncle helped invent them
Jake: You know they can be prevented by using a condom?
Charlie: I know we could have prevented you by using a condom
Jake: As soon as I get my license I'm so out of here
Alan: Sure, and you can drive your girlfriend to Gymboree
Jake: At least I have a girlfriend
Alan: What's the problem?
Jake: She's nine
Alan: Nine? Where would you meet a nine year old girl?
Jake: We're in the same math class
Alan: Is she one of those advanced students?
Jake: Sadly, no, but she does help me with my homework
When Grandma came over, I thought things couldn't get any worse. But instead of making me visit with her, she gave my dad money to take me, Uncle Charlie, and Berta to the movies. We saw the Rob Schneider movie where he plays the stupid guy. I had popcorn, nachos, and two jumbo red Slurpees. And as you know, you don't buy Slurpees, you rent them.
Jake: Have you seen my Game Boy?
Norman: No. Have you seen my wife?
Jake: No. Well, if you see it, let me know.
Norman: Ditto.
Judith [about Jake]: When I brought him home Sunday night and served him dinner, he tipped me with a $25 chip from Caesars Palace and told me I had a nice rack!
Alan: Uh, well, Judith... you do
My weekend starts on Friday when my mom takes me to my dad's house, which is actually my uncle Charlie's house, who is my dad's brother, making him my uncle. His name is Charlie, which is why I call him my uncle Charlie
Jake [about spending night at grandma's]: What did I ever do to you?
Alan: It's not a punishment.
Jake: It's not a prize. I'm calling Mom
Evelyn: Good Lord, are you picking your nose?!?
Jake: I had to. There was stuff in it.
Evelyn: And just where were you planning to put it?
Jake: I didn't really have a plan
Jake: How come it's a secret that dad is on a date?
Charlie: Eh, it's not a secret, it's just never a good idea to tell a woman more than they need to know
Jake: How come?
Charlie: Because we love them and want to protect them. A clueless woman is a happy woman
Alan [about the funeral]: Jake, you're coming with us.
Jake: I don't wanna!
Charlie: Are you sure? You get to see a real dead guy.
Jake: There's gonna be a dead guy? Where?
Alan: ... At the funeral.
Jake: Oh, cool! Can I come
