Jan Levinson Quotes
Michael: Wow, I am so happy. I am so deliriously happy...
Jan: Why?
Michael: Because you're pregnant, and because it obviously happened when we were together. And, I am very...
Jan: Yeah, it did...
Michael: ... proud.
Jan: ... happen when...
Michael: Um...
Jan: ... we were together. That's true. And-but, you... are not... uh, you're not the dad.
Michael: You cheated on me... when I specifically asked you not to?
Jan: ...Not to. No, I did not. I did not cheat on you. I did not.
Michael: Well, okay...
Jan: Yeah.
Michael: So it's mine, and it's not somebody else's, so... I know... the whole toilet seat thing is a myth, so...
Jan: I went to a sperm bank.
Jan: Well it was good to see you.
Kevin: It was great to see you, Jan.
Jan: Yeah, so...
Michael: O-kay. Hello Jan.
Jan: Hello... Michael.
Michael: Wow, Kevin, really? We're- [to Jan] Sorry. We're in the middle of a party. Is this why you called me down here?
Kevin: Yeah, Michael, I just uh...
Jan: I...
Kevin: I think you kids have a lot to catch up on.
Michael: Oh, okay.
Kevin: Yeah.
Michael: Thanks, Kevin. Um...
Jan: I am so sorry that I don't wanna bring kids into this screwed up world.
Michael: I am sorry too.
Jan: But look if you wanna have kids, then fine! You win! Let's have a fucking kid!
Michael: Do you mean it? You wanna have a kid?
Jan: I hate my life.
Jan: I'm so, so sorry for the temperature in here. The, uh, sliding glass door shattered. It's actually a really cute story. Do you wanna tell it, babe, or should I tell it?
Michael: I don't like that story, babe.
Jan: Come on! It's a cute story. Michael ran through the sliding glass door because he thought he heard the ice cream truck.
Michael: Stop! Stop it! I mean... I like ice cream, okay? Sue me! Oh no, don't! I shouldn't say that jokingly because she will sue me. She loves to sue! She loves lawsuits. You know, honey, that door was extremely clean, and it looked invisible.
Jan: You are so right. You are SO right! Because before I lived here the glass was always covered with smudges and I moved in and I cleaned it and I guess that makes me the devil!
Michael: [laughing] You are! She is! She is the devil! I'm in hell! I'm burning. Help me.
People underestimate Michael. There are plenty of things that he is well above average at. Like ice skating. He is a very good ice skater.
Jan
Ryan: Jan.
Jan: Ryan. Ryan. Ryan, Ryan.
Ryan: So elephant in the room, I have your old job.
Jan: Well, not exactly my job... I had a different title.
Ryan: Oh well, excuse me, same office, same responsibilities.
Jan: Different salary. You'll get there, don't worry.
Ryan: Well... you look great.
Jan: Thank you, thank you.
Ryan: Scranton suits you.
Jan: Best decision I ever made.
Ryan: You were let go.
Jan: You know what? I love the beard. Keep it forever.
Jan: OK, name please.
Creed: Creed Bratton, 75-plus division.
Jan: You're over 75 years old?
Creed: 82, November 1st. How much is the prize money?
Jan: There's no prize money.
Creed: What, is any of this real?
Jan: Hey you!
Michael: Hey.
Jan: How was your interview?
Michael: Pretty good.
Jan: Yeah?
Michael: Could have gone better I guess.
Jan: Oh. I'll put in a good word for you.
Michael: Cool. Maybe you should do it sooner rather than later.
Jan: What?
Jan: All right, well are you gonna take care of this?
Michael: Yeppers.
Jan: What did I tell you about "yeppers?"
Michael: I don't... remember.
Jan: I told you not to say it. Do you remember that?
Michael: Yeesh...
Michael: No need for consternation, everything is under control.
Jan: Michael, last Friday one of your employees attacked another employee in your office!
Michael: It was a crime of passion, Jan, not a disgruntled employee. Everyone here is extremely gruntled.
Jan: [sigh] Is Toby there?
Michael: No...
Toby: I'm... here, Jan.
Why is this so hard? That's what she said. Oh my God. What am I saying?
Jan: What's this over the "i"?
Michael: It's a heart.
