Jane: Ill tell you what doesn't count, the Miami Heat's most recent NBA championship, it was an injury plagued strike shortened season, therefore Lebron still needs 6 rings to even get in the conversation with Jordan.
Alex: Are you done?
Jane: No, also Chris Bosh looks like one of Omar's boyfriends from The Wire.

You look like the Olsen twins brother Larry Kate Olsen.

Look at me 2 hours ago I wasn't even in this wedding and now I run this bitch.

No I'm not pretending I'm pregnant anymore. This is not eighth grade gym class.

Penny: The only people who can get away with being mean are rockstars or brain surgeons or Mr. Phil.
Jane: I think you mean Dr. Phil.
Penny: C'mon it's a PHD. Everybody calm down.

Brad get me a new pair of pants, I look like a Turkish Whore master!

I'm gonna take a nap, think about it, maybe buzz one out.

Yeah, that curse should be scared of us because we are a bunch of criminals and sex addicts with terrible judgement and we can ruin anything we put our minds to. And you know what? We're going to ruin that stupid curse.

If we didn't want to get caught, we'd have sex at home.

Let's just say he's one MRI away from a free MRI.

All you're doing is altering his perception of reality. It's the Kerkovich Way.

Penny: Ever since she's been hanging out with Avi's crew all she eats is pills and powders.
Jane: Sounds like my Vegas diet.

Happy Endings Quotes

You're sweating on my bruschetta.

Jane [to Brad]

The weird part is, now that I have a guy, everybody wants to set me up. Oh I know Al! I should hook you up with one of my "extras."