Peter: This is insane, even for you.
Jared: Only if you think about it.

Tell you what? Why don't you leave some of your money here and we'll let you know whether it's good or not.

Molly: Peter was the smartest kid in our class.
Jared: That must have been some class.

Officer: What's that smell?
Jared: We've got a pet skunk.

Jared: He's not her type.
Peter: Oh yeah because she couldn't be interested in a fitness freak who gives happy endings for a living.

Jared: Stealing a wave.
Peter: That's just unCalifornian.

The blackmail thing is kind of ruining the can-do spirit.

Damien: If you accepted a job with these two street minstrels you must have gotten your degree at a mall kiosk.
Jared: She did. A little kiosk called Stanford.

Don't look him in the eye he'll suck out your soul like a dementor.

That speech was one third St. Elmo's Fire and two thirds Hunger Games.

Jared: Cheer up Pindy. We found your missing package. Mega Ab Belt, right behind the planter.
Pindar: Oh great. My cell mate can lay his head on my rock hard abs.

Peter: If Rob Lowe wants a fight, he's got one.
Jared: We've got to get facials.

Franklin & Bash Quotes

See that's a talent, sounding like a total asshole even when you're supposedly saying something sincere.


"Sorry, sorry. Jean Claude Van Damme marathon last night. Unavoidable.