Favorite Jerry Seinfeld Quotes
Jerry: I'm going to hire you as my latex salesman?
George: Right.
Jerry: (chuckling) I don't think so.
Jerry: Let me ask you a question. If you named a kid Rasputin do you think that would have a negative effect on his life?
Elaine: Nah.
Jerry: And I cannot overstate this: no soft cheeses of any kind. Is that clear?
Jerry: How are we going to get out of it?
George: We'll say we're frightened and we have to go home.
Kramer: Anyway, it's been two years. I mean, isn't there a statue of limitations on that?Jerry: Statute!Kramer: What?Jerry: Statute of limitations, it's not a statue!Kramer: No, it's statue!Jerry: Fine, it's a sculpture of limitations!Kramer: Elaine. Elaine! Now you're smart. Is it statute or statue of limitations?Elaine: Statute!Kramer: Well, I really think you're wrong!
I don't return fruit. Fruit's a gamble. I know that going in.
Jerry: So, she's taking about her panties, so, uh...so, I said, "You mean the panties your mother laid out for you?"
George: "The panties your mother laid out for you"? What does that mean?
Jerry: I don't know! It just popped out.
George: Well, how did she react?
Jerry: She flipped out! Just left.
George: Well, that's not offensive. It's abnormal, but it's not offensive.
Elaine: Pal? You think I'm your pal?
Jerry: I said "and more."
The waiting room. I hate when they make you wait in the room. 'Cause it says "Waiting Room." There's no chance of not waiting. 'Cause they call it the waiting room, they're gonna use it. They've got it. It's all set up for you to wait. And you sit there, you know, and you've got your little magazine. You pretend you're reading it, but you're really looking at the other people. You know, you're thinking about them. Things like, "I wonder what he's got. As soon as she goes, I'm getting her magazine." And then, they finally call you and it's a very exciting moment. They finally call you, and you stand up and you kinda look around at the other people in the room. "Well, I guess I've been chosen. I'll see you all later." You know, so you think you're going to see the doctor, but you're not, are you? No. You're going into the next waiting room the littler waiting room. But if they are, you know, doing some sort of medical thing to you, you want to be in the smallest room that they have, I think. You don't want to be in the largest room that they have. You know what I mean? You ever see these operating theatres that they have, with like, stadium seating? You don't want them doing anything to you that makes other doctors go, "I have to see this! Are you kidding? Are they really gonna do that to him? Are there seats? Can we get in?" Do they scalp tickets to these things? "I got two for the Winslow tumor, I got two"
Elaine: Hey, where's Kramer?
Jerry: I don't know. That's like asking: where's Waldo?
Kramer: You don't think I can do it.
Jerry: I know that you can't, and I'm positive that you won't.
Jerry: You have no idea what an idiot is.
George: Is that right? I just threw away a life time of guilt free sex and floor seats for every sporting event at Madison Square Gardens. So please, a little respect, for I am Costanza, Lord of the Idiots.
Roxanne: (cheering on marathon runners You're all winners!
George: But suddenly, a new contender has emerged.
