Jerry Seinfeld Quotes
I love my phone machine. I wish I was a phone machine. I wish if I saw somebody on the street I didn't want to talk to, I could go, "Excuse me; I'm not in right now. If you would just leave a message, I could walk away." I also have a cordless phone, but I don't like that as much, because you can't slam down a cordless phone. You get mad at somebody on a real phone "You can't talk to me like that!" Bang! You know. You get mad at somebody on a cordless phone "You can't talk to me like that!" (Jerry searches for the 'off' button on his mimed phone, and presses it feebly, in a comedic sort of way) "I told him!"
I had a leather jacket that got ruined. Now, why does moisture ruin leather? I don't get this. Aren't cows outside most of the time? I don't understand it. When it's raining do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in, we're all wearing leather. Open the door! We're gonna ruin the whole outfit here!" "Is it suede?" "I am suede, the whole thing is suede, I can't have this cleaned. It's all I got!"
Elaine: My father thinks George is gay.
Jerry: Because of all the singing?
Elaine: No, he pretty much thinks everyone is gay.
Jerry: How are we going to get out of it?
George: We'll say we're frightened and we have to go home.
Jerry: This jacket has completely changed my life.
George: Can I say one thing to you? And I say this with an unblemished record of staunched heterosexuality. It's fabulous.
George: Look, do I have to break up with her in person? Can't I do it over the phone? I have no stomach for these things.
Jerry: You should just do it like a band-aid: one motion, right off!
A relationship is an organism. You created this thing and then you starved it, so it turned against you. Same thing happened to the Blob.
I only eat cantaloupe at certain times.
What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like they're trophies. What do you need it for after you read it?
The apartment elevators are always slower than the offices, because you don't have to be home on time.
The waiting room. I hate when they make you wait in the room. 'Cause it says "Waiting Room." There's no chance of not waiting. 'Cause they call it the waiting room, they're gonna use it. They've got it. It's all set up for you to wait. And you sit there, you know, and you've got your little magazine. You pretend you're reading it, but you're really looking at the other people. You know, you're thinking about them. Things like, "I wonder what he's got. As soon as she goes, I'm getting her magazine." And then, they finally call you and it's a very exciting moment. They finally call you, and you stand up and you kinda look around at the other people in the room. "Well, I guess I've been chosen. I'll see you all later." You know, so you think you're going to see the doctor, but you're not, are you? No. You're going into the next waiting room the littler waiting room. But if they are, you know, doing some sort of medical thing to you, you want to be in the smallest room that they have, I think. You don't want to be in the largest room that they have. You know what I mean? You ever see these operating theatres that they have, with like, stadium seating? You don't want them doing anything to you that makes other doctors go, "I have to see this! Are you kidding? Are they really gonna do that to him? Are there seats? Can we get in?" Do they scalp tickets to these things? "I got two for the Winslow tumor, I got two"
I'm always in traffic with the lane expert, you know this person? Constantly re-evaluating their lane choice. Never quite sure "is this the best lane for me for my life?". Always a little bit ahead of you; "can I get in over there, can I get ahead of you, can I get in there?". Yeah, come on over here pal, we're zooming over here! This is the secret lane, nobody knows about it.
